Category: Blog

It has been what feels like such a decade. I have had so much to share… to say… to admit….gulp. I have missed blogging. Next post, or 10, I want to share the past 6 months of the incredible last 6 months.

Today, I couldn’t wait for the next best time to withdraw the necessary chunk of banked spare time to share my heart, so here she is. (on credit)

Today, 3 years ago, we found our sweet boy. He had slipped away. I awoke to grey baby with no breath, no heart beat. With shaking hands I type this and with these same hands I dialed 911 while my husband tried CPR. The first responder, a sheriff, showed up and helped Chad until the ambulance arrived as I sat on the ground begging Jesus for a miracle, a heartbeat. Over, and over: please Jesus, a heartbeat! A heartbeat. PLEASE!!! I had no idea what I was even asking as I couldn’t compute that too much time had passed without one. 3 minutes passed. They loaded us into the ambulance. 10 minutes passed….I kept praying. Asking the paramedics to please keep trying. Please Jesus. Please. Please. Please. Jesus-Please! Almost to Choc, 15-17? minutes in…a heartbeat. The paramedics all stared at each other as they yelled heartbeat. What? How? He had a heart beat again. A very low, erratic heartbeat. Jesus gave me a miracle that day. I knew it was Him. It was not science. It was not “what our human bodies sometimes do”. Moment by moment, as the outcome of it all was unfolding, I saw that miracle as one of the most precious gifts I have ever received from God’s gracious hand. Christian might have had a heartbeat for the better part of that day before going on the breathing machine, but truthfully, he was gone. He never came back, never moved, never made noise. Never nursed again, and I was never able to see the window to his blessed soul through his beautiful baby blues after the night before.
Some of you might be struggling to call a heartbeat ending in death a miracle, that God didn’t come through. How sad for you Michelle. Jesus gave me that heartbeat, not as false hope. But for eternal hope, for comfort and affirmation that He is and was with me. As he passed, He was there. As life was given back, He was there too. And maybe part of the purpose in lending me that time was to give me peace when it was time for Him to ultimately take him back again 2 days later. I believe with my whole heart-God had His days numbered at 26 before time began. How honored I feel to have been chosen to have brought him into this world to have known nothing but love. Equal to the height of honor is the depth of broken. Still-It is so very hard to slip back into June 7, 2013.
God has laid it heavy on my heart to share of this beautiful gift, and today, I choose to thank Jesus, and to praise Him for the miracle He has given me in that moment, in bringing Christian to life-conception to birth. I don’t use that word lightly-I pray it brings glory to Jesus the way He intended. It has helped me recount the countless other ‘supernatural’ blessings I know ONLY came from His hand. These last few years have shown me more of our loving God full of grace and faithfulness to bring us through where He has led us. I have seen His divine discipline in my life, as well as His holiness as I see the vast discrepancy in His character and person in contrast to yours truly’s. He brought me to life in salvation, the old passed and the new came…and is still a hot mess. At least a mess with her eyes fixed eternity. (Stumbling more than I would like). Until then, pleasing God, and shamefully admitting counting the hours till bedtime. I pray as some of you might be walking through your own rocky path of hard, probably worse or more painful than mine, you will place your full trust in the only One who can hold you, lead you, save you, shield you from the fear in which grief and sadness can hold you hostage; our glorious Savior.
God bless you sweet friends.

Love,
Michelle

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4

two weeks ago today…

Some of my favorite girls

my muffins

one week ago…(I have amazing friends!)

Today…

got the nasty staples OUT. So hot. I think I might have liked them better in.

my view as of late. Not hating it. In fact, I am soooo thankful. So thankful you all have afforded me the opportunity to sleep, rest, pork out on illegal amounts of sugar and all things ending in -ose and let my brain and body repair itself. I have aged at least 6 years. And it’s ok. These crows feet, they’ve earned their place.
I received GOOD news today, which makes me want to think about doing a happy dance. I will settle on jazz hands. Grade 1!!!  Are you kidding me?!
Thank you Lord!!! Why He has shown me so much mercy, I will never know. I sure appreciate this 6th life.
Lesson #1 God is able.
lesson #2 Doctors are not infallible. I loooove doctors, however, they are not the Word of God, they are indeed human. I realized in this leg of the race, they mean well, and are entirely too smart for my brain speed, yet they didn’t create me and their words are not law. That doctor that said this was for sure a grade 2? Welp. Bzzzz. Surgery not an option? Bzzzz. No hope? Bzzzz. That said, God provided a wonderful doctor, (who I probably hugged 3 seconds too long today), with specific expertise in my kind of tumor that basically might as well be wearing Superman tights. I had no idea this man God held for me is one of the few doctors that does this type of virtual reality surgery. This allows him to see exactly where the blood vessels are, so that he wouldn’t jeopardize a major bleed. The other doctors did not have this technology or wisdom, of course they could not successfully execute this crazy surgery. Literally, he wears goggles and sees the complete inside of my brain. There is a lot of glorious space in there. I thought I would point that out so you all don’t have to whisper;)

IMG_3630 IMG_3661

green: tumor

You guys. Tears. So much love. So much gratitude over here. Thank you for being my friends, my family, my prayer warriors. Thank you for the beautiful meals, gifts and flowers. Thank you for loving my babies like they are yours. I don’t deserve any of this, but am praising and thanking my Jesus like it is my job. Yet is my JOY.

Thank you Lord for 6th chances.

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are all over all his works.” Psalm 145:8-9

indeed!

Haaaaaappppy New Year! Or happy day. You woke up right? It’s been so long…Writing feels like navigating mental cobwebs. I have missed it! And more importantly, you all. 🙂 God woke me up at 5:19 this morning. This is important as If you know me, this waking this early IS an act of God. He laid it heavy on my heart to put words on proverbial paper, (blog), to recognize His faithfulness, His sovereignty.

This last year, you did not read much as I physically was capable of much more, thus-I walked around in circles and tried to clean and stuff. Enjoy my babies. Play uno. Oh, and uhhh, sell our home and move. Adjust to all that comes with that. Sports. School. Everyone is most excited to eat more than toast and fruit, and not having to make daily trips to the market. Moving was a big deal and I had no idea something I desired so badly, could rock our family in such a big way. 6 months later and God has faithfully carried us. Along with that of course is the blessing of new home! Space! It is so much more than we deserve and I am so grateful. Our whole family truly loves it here.

The blog became super interesting to everyone when my brain issue started happening, and that is was gave me the platform to share what God has taught and continues to teach me as I work through all that comes with this bad boy. I had not realized how God blessed me be able to share all that was happening medically, emotionally, spiritually and how that helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life. I have all of you to thank for supporting and loving on me. This last year has held the kind of trials you can’t talk about on a blog, or publicly for that matter. These are the most isolating, and most damaging to the joy our eternal perspective ought to bring us. God is so faithful, so, so faithful. He carried me through, bringing just the right few people I was able to confide in and walk alongside me, and pour truth into me when I felt like a shell. Other days, He just allowed me to get to bedtime, and sleep offered the reset I needed for the next day, whatever that would bring. He chose this trial, and I have surrendered. And He is good. And there is redemption. Dare I say joy?

I get MRI’s every 3 months. I have felt so convicted for not sharing this, as all of you have always prayed for me and ask about my health.

In July, my MRI came back no growth. In September, as Dr. and I are flipping through MRI images, he was very happy to tell me no growth. Great! Oh wait doc-what is THAT.

On my frontal lobe there was a new growth, in my brain tissue. 1cm x 3-4cm. The radiologist MISSED it. How does something like that happen?

He didn’t know what it was yet, but it grew to be that size inside 3 months. I didn’t want to bring it to everyone’s attention as he didn’t know what it was yet-I wanted to wait. The entire month, my mind wandered. I cried. I cried a lot. My stomach hurt a lot. And then I went in October for another MRI…and it was GONE. No remnant. No artifact. No sign it was ever there. My jaw about hit the floor, I had no words and he joyfully stuttered he had never seen anything like this-ever. It was a gift. A total miracle.

I should have been proclaiming God’s greatness right then for the world to hear, right? In fear, I held back not wanting to draw attention, and that was wrong. I have struggled with that these past few months. Tuesday, I had an MRI, next Thursday, I find out what God has planned for my brain tissue for the time being. While He has graciously given me MUCH redemption and healing, His faithful character is not contingent nor related to the gifts He has mercifully blessed me with. His faithfulness lies in His unconditional love, willingness to forgive, and ever presence I know I can call on at any time.

My mother’s 90 year old friend is currently in the hospital dying. It is no less sad and upsetting to watch life end, regardless if 90 great years were lived. As I watched her breathe last night, knowing her life will soon end, I am reminded so sharply how each minute of life is sustained and controlled by our loving God. What peace that brings me in the most uncertain and painful times. What a reminder to praise Him in the happiest. He is sovereign, working all things together for those who love Him, and I trust He will do good

Dear Sweet Friends,

Oh how I have missed you all. I have missed your prayers and encouragement. All the love. The connection of Christ’s body, my friends, family. This blog became a platform for me to share updates on myself and our family as we waded through incredibly challenging seasons. Much to my surprise, through all the pain, the Holy Spirit gave me a gift to share even though I am fairly certain I was a couple points above a vegetable. True story.

I haven’t written in so long. Like-dusty cobwebs ewh long. Keep your expectations low people. I make no promises. I am 94% sure this is not going to come out in an adult-like readable fashion.

What has kept me away: Too many excuses. The inability to think straight, hold a thought, recall super special words. People. Hello Bray-er-Chad. Everytime. Cute kids. Most of the time. Cleaning. Feeding. Headaches. The laundry circus. More laundry. Keeping said kids alive. Remembering to pick them up and deliver them according to individual schedules. Sports! Oh and did I mention laundry? It’s a lot people. These past 4 years have been crazy beautiful. Insert one of the most painful seasons we have had as a family. More fun and sweet memories than I deserve. Full of love and growing pains and lots of visits to my lovely hair magician/ person/ stylist. OH MY GRAY HAIRS. What the beans?!! Eyebrows? Really.

I am not one to ask for help. You people seem to keep offering it to me because you are amazingly loving. And I am a hot mess and I believe you are my friends. Clearly VERY forgiving, selfless, kind friends. As hard as this is to type, I am humbly asking for prayer. Not because I am above it, More like I have leaned on all your petitions so many many many times.
God has given us a wonderful, bigger than life, 4 (YES 4!) year reprieve of dealing with this tumor growth. Many praises and endless thanks!

Pics of new situation. keep in mind these are slices of my brain. As for the dark space…Explains SO MUCH. Judge away.

See hot pants? On top of double kleenex? Am I happy laughing or sad laughing right now. I dunno. Anyway, pic of the 3.

Unfortunately, my old tumor is now 3 tumors. The old one, a new more aggressive one and oh-don’t forget the baby. It was originally a grade 1. Now the surgeon is saying aggressive grade 2. The other surgeon said it’s on it’s way to the next step. By definition, these tumors are stupid and slow growing. Mostly benign. Mine, not so much. The problem is one is invasive. Wrapped around my venus/ sinus. Which currently holds a blood clot/ blockage. Prime real estate. Surgery would require removal of the mesh they used to replace my skull and dealing with the blood clot, oh and remember that one time my wound wouldn’t heal and I was in the hospital for 40 days? Not in a rush to get in that line.
2 Items to note: My tumor does not respond to chemo. I am maxed out on radiation.

After talking to 4 incredible, KIND, doctors. It appears I have 2 options.
1) Laser surgery. They burn the tumor from the inside out. Only it won’t get everything. As one Dr. says, only the strongest survive. They apparently come back faster and more aggressive the more we mess with them. The problem is the most aggressive tumor is moving toward the vision area of my brain. Oh and they haven’t used this laser situation on my kind of tumor. Risks: brain swelling, hello headaches! And of course a brain bleed.
2) immunotherapy trial. This has worked amazingly well for many cancers/ tumors, however, again, it has not been used this for my kind of tumor…yet. Oh and they would need to accept me. Minor detail. Risks are developing an inflammatory illness ending in -itus. You name it. Brain swelling.

Friends, I am asking for prayer for these things, and more if you think of them:

-that God would lead us to where He wants us, treatment, Dr., etc and open the doors.
-that He would be glorified through this whole endeavor.
-that this surgery/ therapy would actually work and give me an eleventh life so I can continue to be the mother and wife He designed me to be.
-that He would open doors to share.

-Please pray for Chad. That God would give him endurance, strength and support. He works tirelessly to meet everyone’s needs. I love him.
-that we will all make it through this version of hard. Add our parents to that as well. They give us SO MUCH love, time and support.
-mostly that my children’s relationship with Christ would grow! Be solidified. They would see Jesus not just as the Savior, but THEIR Savior.

You guys: No pity. No sad face. No sulking. More faith! Let’s look to see His hand in it all. What He will do with this mess. As I write this- I am crying at Gods goodness to us. I feel guilty at looking at this next chapter with doubt. I feel foolish actually and I repent of that. God is SO. MUCH. BIGGER than my fear. My sadness. That hellish recovery gave me so more than it took. It showed me more of why I am here: to share His love and truth. The gift of salvation by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Giving us life beyond the pain, the failing bodies, the suffering. We are here to look to an eternity so much more amazing.