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Pajamas and Victories

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 91:1-2
Trust. Refuge. My God.
This. This last week has most definitely been an exercise in trust. And allowing God to guard my heart from fear. The fear that comes from the unknown and the scary and the how long O’Lord? Today I praise God for the joy and peace He has graciously given myself and those caring for me as it’s become an unsteady chapter of recovery. My pajamas are my new sugar. What comes with these trials, other than wrinkles and a consistent expectancy of a new one to come, is an unspeakable faith that no matter what the outcome, He loves me. He will lead us as we lean in.
I wish this kind of love and trust for everyone-minus the burden it can put on others. For myself, this looks like a mother who has relentlessly protected and advocated for me through the entirety of this experience. Parents who love us and pray for us, drop everything to help us in any way. A husband who never leaves or complains. Makes wise decisions, is honest, and tells me when I need to shower. Friends who provide for every need and love on our family like nobody’s business. These same friends cry with me, pray for me, shower me with gifts, hugs and constant encouragement. God does not bring us to broken and leave us. When you have a real relationship with our Jesus, He brings you through the broken not to fix the situation always-but so you can experience His character. Experience His promises come to fruition. Experience how deeply He loves us and the power He exercises in provisions and how He graciously give us peace.  He changes our heart, not necessarily the circumstance. That, friends, is redemption. That is the contentment in all circumstances. If we are blessed enough, He chooses us for these faith building trials, which can allow us to share the compassion and understanding we have been shown to those whose trials are to come.This past week has been weird. I am tired. I don’t feel well. It has helped me see, yet again, I really don’t have control of what is going on or what the future might look like. I have been having more seizures. Chest pressure. Monday. Tuesday maybe? Can’t remember. We took a little trip to the ER. I had 2 bad seizures and apparently went unconscious for a bit. We were alone and Brayden had to call 911 and walk through the fear of us my mom ok? Why won’t she wake up? And be apart of yet another scary moment. He was also the one who was a part of finding Christian and experiencing that trauma. The kid, for as strong willed as he is, has had his own story. His own walk of what I pray is faith building. The doctor gave me another medicine that makes me another shade of stupid. Chad’s thrilled.  As I shared with my friend, my couch and I be like 🤞🏼. I went for a walk, showered and well, those are my victories today.

Much Love,
Michelle
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2 weeks post op

two weeks ago today…


Some of my favorite girls

my muffins

one week ago…(I have amazing friends!)

Today…

got the nasty staples OUT. So hot. I think I might have liked them better in.


my view as of late. Not hating it. In fact, I am soooo thankful. So thankful you all have afforded me the opportunity to sleep, rest, pork out on illegal amounts of sugar and all things ending in -ose and let my brain and body repair itself. I have aged at least 6 years. And it’s ok. These crows feet, they’ve earned their place.
I received GOOD news today, which makes me want to think about doing a happy dance. I will settle on jazz hands. Grade 1!!!  Are you kidding me?!
Thank you Lord!!! Why He has shown me so much mercy, I will never know. I sure appreciate this 6th life.
Lesson #1 God is able.
lesson #2 Doctors are not infallible. I loooove doctors, however, they are not the Word of God, they are indeed human. I realized in this leg of the race, they mean well, and are entirely too smart for my brain speed, yet they didn’t create me and their words are not law. That doctor that said this was for sure a grade 2? Welp. Bzzzz. Surgery not an option? Bzzzz. No hope? Bzzzz. That said, God provided a wonderful doctor, (who I probably hugged 3 seconds too long today), with specific expertise in my kind of tumor that basically might as well be wearing Superman tights. I had no idea this man God held for me is one of the few doctors that does this type of virtual reality surgery. This allows him to see exactly where the blood vessels are, so that he wouldn’t jeopardize a major bleed. The other doctors did not have this technology or wisdom, of course they could not successfully execute this crazy surgery. Literally, he wears goggles and sees the complete inside of my brain. There is a lot of glorious space in there. I thought I would point that out so you all don’t have to whisper;)

IMG_3630 IMG_3661

green: tumor

You guys. Tears. So much love. So much gratitude over here. Thank you for being my friends, my family, my prayer warriors. Thank you for the beautiful meals, gifts and flowers. Thank you for loving my babies like they are yours. I don’t deserve any of this, but am praising and thanking my Jesus like it is my job. Yet is my JOY.

Thank you Lord for 6th chances.

“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are all over all his works.” Psalm 145:8-9

indeed!

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One day….

…at a time.

Been a rough day. I had 2 seizures last night-ones I have never had before. Woke up and my stomach decided it didn’t feel like going with the program. Barf.
I have a ridiculous amount of pain. So much. Steroids did me good until that party was over. Friends-please pray. I don’t know what is happening or if this is what happened last time. Just know I love you all and hope you know I want to get back to you, I appreciate the crazy love. I just can’t. Big hugs. I wanted to send the below message earlier-didn’t-here she is. Big hugs

Looking back through the what feels like 1,000’s of messages of encouragement, love, faith, rejoicing, prayers, more rejoicing-more faith…oh my heart. You all will never know how and oh I mean HOW you have changed my life and my heart forever. God used each and every one of you and your heart felt prayers and love to help me through one of the biggest moments of need in my immediate families life. I feel like I have a lot of of these. Sorry about that. Your prayers were not in vain. God spared me! Yet again. Mercy in real time.

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Guest Post: Update on Michelle

Hi there – Chad here
disclaimer: since this isn’t michelle the laughs per line quota will be lower than usual.
disclaimer 2: I’m trying to do this on an iPhone and my opposable thumbs tend to hit the wrong keys. Forgive my typos in advance.

given the amount of texts and calls and visit requests we’ve received the past 36 hours I thought it would be best to give a quick update on Michelle and a little insight into what lies ahead for her recovery.

in short, the surgery was successful and the surgeon was very happy with how things went.  There’s many more gory details that go with removing two tumors from the brain but I’ll let the storyteller in this marriage tell those things at a future date.

back to yesterday. In what has become kind of a family tradition we filled up the waiting room at Hoag hospital in Newport. In what has become another family tradition we embarrass the surgeons who operate on our loved ones by asking, ok making them take a picture with us. To tie this all together – yes that’s my mom standing next to him. 😭

Well Dr. Louis gave us the good news that she did great and he got everything he went into get and even went in a different way to make sure she has a new scar to show for it.  He also told us Michelle would be waiting for us in the ICU.
well the past three times I’ve had the honor of being the first to see Michelle after these types of surgery and all three times she was screaming 😱 in pain.  Not fun to see your soulmate in this state.
Much to my surprise this was the state of Michelle as i entered the room this time 

peaceful and serene…..

she’s since been released from the ICU and is in a little quieter room (except for this machine beeping as her not so friendly reminder she needs to breathe).  Seriously I hate this thing

The doctor thinks she will be released on Friday or Saturday but that requires some serious pain management and michelle to be mentally ready to tackle this thing at home

we’re so thankful to all of you (too many to list but we’ll give categories) Food, meals, care for kids, school, caravans, rides to practice, more food, sweet cards, flowers, texts, calls……

every need met and every prayer answered. Thank you faithful friends!

if I could be so selfish please continue to pray for pain to subside, meds to work in the right way, and for substantial rest for Michelle.

Talk soon…..

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Bam

It’s here.
How do people go through these times without huge love and incredible friends and family? Unmet people that love and pray for you like you are family? Ahhhh. Chills and tears.
God has so graciously given you all to me, to be strengthened, comforted, cared for. You are all my people and I love you and cannot ever show the gratitude I have for all that you do for us and all the heard prayers. I have been at this long enough to know, praying can be hard. Distracting. Confusing when we don’t know what to pray for. While it’s not an art, it is a discipline, one that I have had the privilege to get better at over the years. It’s not always easy to find the words or time-I remind myself that the Holy Spirit knows what to pray for when I don’t. And then I can ramble.
I feel like in this situation, this is me. I ramble as I don’t know what to pray for past the obvious. So I have been thanking and praising in trusting that He knows my heart.
Please continue to pray or ramble in prayer. Not just for me. For you and anyone who needs it-because the more we do this, the more organic our relationship with our Creator becomes.
ok.
An update from my pre-op.
My doctor has this insane virtual reality model of my brain. He can navigate the inside of my brain, tumor, blood vessels to get a better picture of what he will work with. After seeing this He has decided he is only going for the new tumor. 25% of the total volume. Also he might have to go back in through the old incision. Also he might have to redo the mesh to get the loose screw out. Yep. Loose screw. You can’t make this up people.
While I wasn’t prepared to hear this, I am thankful for his truthfulness and conservative hand. Please pray for the surgeon, my babies, parents and husband. It should take 5-6-? Hours. (He was all noncommittal).
7:30 am and get a new haircut and a donate a few brain cells. Love to you all. Hug your babies and mine please. God is good. All the time.

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

Psalm 20:7