It has been what feels like such a decade. I have had so much to share… to say… to admit….gulp. I have missed blogging. Next post, or 10, I want to share the past 6 months of the incredible last 6 months.
Today, I couldn’t wait for the next best time to withdraw the necessary chunk of banked spare time to share my heart, so here she is. (on credit)
Today, 3 years ago, we found our sweet boy. He had slipped away. I awoke to grey baby with no breath, no heart beat. With shaking hands I type this and with these same hands I dialed 911 while my husband tried CPR. The first responder, a sheriff, showed up and helped Chad until the ambulance arrived as I sat on the ground begging Jesus for a miracle, a heartbeat. Over, and over: please Jesus, a heartbeat! A heartbeat. PLEASE!!! I had no idea what I was even asking as I couldn’t compute that too much time had passed without one. 3 minutes passed. They loaded us into the ambulance. 10 minutes passed….I kept praying. Asking the paramedics to please keep trying. Please Jesus. Please. Please. Please. Jesus-Please! Almost to Choc, 15-17? minutes in…a heartbeat. The paramedics all stared at each other as they yelled heartbeat. What? How? He had a heart beat again. A very low, erratic heartbeat. Jesus gave me a miracle that day. I knew it was Him. It was not science. It was not “what our human bodies sometimes do”. Moment by moment, as the outcome of it all was unfolding, I saw that miracle as one of the most precious gifts I have ever received from God’s gracious hand. Christian might have had a heartbeat for the better part of that day before going on the breathing machine, but truthfully, he was gone. He never came back, never moved, never made noise. Never nursed again, and I was never able to see the window to his blessed soul through his beautiful baby blues after the night before.
Some of you might be struggling to call a heartbeat ending in death a miracle, that God didn’t come through. How sad for you Michelle. Jesus gave me that heartbeat, not as false hope. But for eternal hope, for comfort and affirmation that He is and was with me. As he passed, He was there. As life was given back, He was there too. And maybe part of the purpose in lending me that time was to give me peace when it was time for Him to ultimately take him back again 2 days later. I believe with my whole heart-God had His days numbered at 26 before time began. How honored I feel to have been chosen to have brought him into this world to have known nothing but love. Equal to the height of honor is the depth of broken. Still-It is so very hard to slip back into June 7, 2013.
God has laid it heavy on my heart to share of this beautiful gift, and today, I choose to thank Jesus, and to praise Him for the miracle He has given me in that moment, in bringing Christian to life-conception to birth. I don’t use that word lightly-I pray it brings glory to Jesus the way He intended. It has helped me recount the countless other ‘supernatural’ blessings I know ONLY came from His hand. These last few years have shown me more of our loving God full of grace and faithfulness to bring us through where He has led us. I have seen His divine discipline in my life, as well as His holiness as I see the vast discrepancy in His character and person in contrast to yours truly’s. He brought me to life in salvation, the old passed and the new came…and is still a hot mess. At least a mess with her eyes fixed eternity. (Stumbling more than I would like). Until then, pleasing God, and shamefully admitting counting the hours till bedtime. I pray as some of you might be walking through your own rocky path of hard, probably worse or more painful than mine, you will place your full trust in the only One who can hold you, lead you, save you, shield you from the fear in which grief and sadness can hold you hostage; our glorious Savior.
God bless you sweet friends.
He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4