Category: Blog

Each of you have changed me. Forever. You have been God’s tools and instruments in my life to bless me beyond my wildest imagination. I love you so big!!! You might have signed up to bring a meal. Asked awkward questions that I actually appreciated, encouraged me when you had no idea I deeply needed it. Perhaps you brought me juice lunch and groceries again and again? Maybe you heard about me through a friend, and showed compassion on me and my family and prayed or shared. 

Driven me around consistently. Listened to me tell a story that had absolutely no meaning for you. You didn’t give me huh?!face. 

The common thread? You all are the same tribe that lovingly prays for me. Is there an any more meaningful act of love than a heart felt petition on behalf of a sister and friends’ soul? Negative. It is sacrificial, done in humility, and a completely intimate request and conversation between our One and Only.  Thank you friends for your commitment to faithfully draw near to our King’s throne on my behalf! My prayer through this all is that this bananas trial grows your faith as deep as it does mine. That in years to come we gladly share of these miracle laden surgeries and recoveries, wash and repeat, in complete awe. That we learn His nature on a deeper level and that we would actively seek to have His eyes and heart for others. So much so that we would be the light drawing people to salvation. That friends, is the success we seek, defined. What a beautiful thing this would be!! 

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for every single prayer, sharing my requests, asking for prayer…

Tuesday, I felt like a kid getting picked up for a surprise, NOT like the fearful chapter ahead where I felt like I was jumping off a moving train. Chad I both were ready and given this most beautiful promised, perfect peace. And then 2 hours of not awkward/ not awkward silence ensued. 

….And then they found a hair. How funnnn. Can you Imagine? 7 hours on 2 other surgeries, sanitized for a 3rd time and there is a hair. The room now has to be transformed for the 3rd time into the cleanest, coldest  freezer in Orange County. Doesn’t everything almost die at 32° anyway? For sure that is where my freshly shaved legs go to flatline. Let me tell you how thrilled I would be as a nurse on team discovery. 

Not. You know that hair blower was crowned hated nurse of the week. My heart goes out to you human. 

So how am I? Welp. Better question is how has God answered our prayers? In His amazing Grace-I am alive! So thankful. So eternally thankful. I can hear. I can see. (I do have a floaters. A lot of random ones.) Headaches are strong and steady. Trying to come up with a pain management plan with doctors and nurses has been the challenge. I am in a lot of pain. A doctor specifically assigned to this role has walked through this door, and I am not going to lie, while he is aggressive, I do believe it will help. I need to get an Uber on the speed dial, but there is relief to be had for these debilitating afflictions in real time. I truly need to get over it and just accept the help when I get to that point.
Here is my battle wound. You can’t see it because I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put a picture in here maybe tomorrow?

I only accidentally touch her 20 times a day with dirty nails. Walking through through that web of you are probably going to die of an infected wound not a brain tumor or stroke is a fun little game I have been playing as of late. 

My loves, I have nothing left to write. I am officially out. ✌🏼I love you and thank you! Brain><out!

2 years ago this morning, we left CHOC with empty arms. Dark, broken, empty hearts. A blanket of sadness we fought to carry to the car, to pick up and share the news with our other babies. We made it through that day, the days that preceded and followed by God’s grace and mercy…His faithful presence and promises. The outpouring of love from our family and friends.  We clung to Him and each other in a way where I look back, and I honestly crave the depth of that dependence. On our Savior and eachother. I will never desire the circumstances that led us to that valley, but I look back and see a sliver of what Heaven must feel like. In step with our Lord, face down, worshipping God for the Holy, loving, God He is. Wholly trusting in His generous mercy by the second. Revisiting this day makes it feel like we just gave him his last bath, said goodbye, left that sterile cold room with some worthless trinkets. Voluntarily reliving the experience is something I deny myself far too many times. The dark desert of sadness is a place I fear going, I try to avoid as I never know how long I will be lost there. On some level I feel like in the moment of choosing to go ‘there’ I am choosing to forsake the many ways God has shown me His hand and the many good things that have brought Him much glory through it all. Don’t get me wrong, there are many times the loss crushes me without warning. But allowing myself to follow the trail that leads me to the memories of that day is opening a door into a place I am never sure I want to be left in.
So what am I doing today? I shipped my boys to school and did what south Orange County people do and went to the gym. Only to realize, of course, the class I intended to go to is tomorrow. Way to plan Michelle. The point in going was to avoid idle time. So, I sat down to write. Only to have two women sit next to me lamenting over shoulder surgery with the oh-my G**, and then talking about their church, to dropping f-bombs and ending the discussion with planning to ditch work one day and indulge in mimosa’s and pass out on a beach. Normally, I don’t judge. But when you claim church, the body of my Savior, or whatever church might mean to you, and then proceed to share that example…I struggle to not interrupt and tell you to shut it. It’s hard to see how God will use that. Oh…that’s right Michelle, 8 years ago, you were that hypocrite. And God used that wickedness and lack of respect to allow me to see the dirty rag of a sinner I was, and still am. So I prayed. And still judged. And then prayed.
Now, I plan on praying,  pretending to workout, going all crazy and getting a fancy coffee and if I play my cards right, maybe even shower. I will get my boys and head over to visit his grave, and probably sweat as its 90 something degrees today. Can you get it together California? I prefer 70, but can we stick with a happy medium?
I can’t help looking back at the past two years with joy, gratitude and peace. One year ago, God brought me through many complications, the threat of meningitis, 5 surgeries. I could not walk, didn’t know if ever would normally walk again. Running was a joke. Driving? Ya right. Readily accepted that was too much for God to do. I didn’t know if I would ever think clearly or be able to independently care for my children again.  Much like 2 years ago, I had no idea why God brought me there. I questioned if this was a gift or punishment, yet forcefully trusted that He had/ has plans. He chose me to take part in His plan, and as followers of Christ, isn’t that what we all pray for? ‘Use me! I am yours!’ I prayed that long before any of the trials rocked our boat. Looking back, I see the redemption He has given us, been kind enough to show us firsthand-to build our trust and look forward to the redemption He promises to give after death. He is the victor. Today, I rest in that. I praise God for giving me all you cherished family, friends, friends of friends, and people I do not know…to pray for us, love us, encourage us. You will never know how mightily God used you to help us walk this path faithfully, steadfast. He used you all to help us press on. We deeply love you. I want to encourage you all to give extra love to your babies-give them that chocolate bar. Put down your phone, computer, distraction and give them a cuddle. Search God’s Word for a promise, a new truth. He is ever faithful…oh is He faithful.

I started Rhonda her own blog, in hopes that you will all subscribe to receive updates of ALL  that God is doing in His perfect time. He has been so responsive and merciful to hear and answer prayer after prayer.

We are keeping a journal of the countless mercies He has given us. What I see as His handprint through this all.

For all further updates, please subscribe or visit loveussomenanni.blogspot.com

My deepest gratitude to you all for your love and prayers.

Fresh and new tag lines are not my game. I hope this post finds you all well. 2 week post op appt happened yesterday. Well, back up. Can we talk about what a pleasure I have been these past 2 weeks? I have been passenger number one on the struggle-bus. I am all about authenticity, and today friends, I share more than I have in the latter days. I share to show His grace is enough. At the end of the minute, hour, day, did He leave me? Am I right where He has me? Or did I slip between the cracks and am suffering without His notice?

Never.

Even though this has been by far the hardest recovery, He loves me and cares for me. Still. I am under His good protection and mercy and I stand by my hearts desire to be nowhere but in my Savior. 

I share my heart to encourage all of you walking through your own labyrinth of hard. My comfort and confidence is in my all powerful Jesus. I hope my deep dependence is contagious and you too will find peace amidst your own battles.

Because you all so sweetly ask and lovingly check in, I will give another update. My personal recovery looks like buckets of humility, pain, a lot of discomfort, me being all the unbecoming things.

God brings me to this verse far too often. It consistently brings me much comfort and I want to share with you all.

Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

-2 Corinthians 12:8-10

All day, every day. But especially in these last days. 

I am still on steroids, which help with pain and inflammation but give me the nervous energy of a toddler on red dye. 

People-I cleaned window sills and baseboards. Who am I? 

These steroids don’t allow my body and brain to rest which is desperately what I need. 

As I wean off these crack pills, I need prayer for God’s help in allowing me to not be overburdened with pain. 

Speaking of-next item for the complaint department are pain pills. (God bless them). And then the opposite. I hate that they are the only thing that can help. They make me feel horrible and nasty and yet able to function all at once. I have been fighting taking them thus chasing pain, which seems to never work out. (Quick learner here) 

Figuring out a weaning schedule with another Dr. Thursday. I think my surgeon got annoyed with me-thus the hot potato. 

Lastly, the pathology came back yesterday. Grade 2. It was a grade 1 (shockingly) for allll those years-and now moved to a grade 2. I don’t think that’s that’s a good thing, but I believe the positive is if it grows back, I qualify for other trials with that new grade. 

The tumor board meets Friday over what is next. Truthfully, I appreciate their input, but I am giving myself a break. My body needs a rest from everything. Except chocolate. And cuddles. I love you all and am so thankful for your prayers, meals, love and thoughtfulness towards myself and my familia.

Helllloooo!

I just cannot thank you all enough for all of your prayers, for myself and Rhonda. Going to give some incredible, God ordained updates on us both.

Rhonda:

She is incredible. So brave! They are sitting her up for a couple minutes and she stood, assisted, for a minute.  She looks so much better than a couple days ago. Closer to her old self. She does have tough road ahead, and our family covets your prayers for a full recovery, mental and physical.

Myself:

10 days ago, I met with an additional surgeon for a consult for surgery-if there was anything he could do. Never hurts to get a 5th consult. 😉

He walked into the room, completely confident. Big perfect smile. It is in Newport Beach people. He said he can resect close to 90% of it, if my sagittal sinus, (where my clot/ occlusion is), is completely blocked. If not, a big fat no. I made it home Wednesday morning and had the CT’s Thursday. I needed him to read ASAP so that he would be able to make a determination before my deadline to change insurance. This morning, I received a call…

It is BLOCKED  completely.

Happy tears! He wants to do the surgery as soon as possible, which would be January-when new insurance is takes effect. My heart is so thankful for the clear path God has blessed us with. He will go through a different part of my skull so that we don’t have to deal with the leaky incision debacle all over again. This, in addition to him not disassembling the titanium mesh that is covering a third of my skull, makes the surgery what I will call hopeful! I am so thankful. So so thankful. Thank you for lifting Rhonda and myself up to our Almighty.