If you ask my kids about their life, they will tell you they have the best life ever. I am so thankful they see the love God has lavished upon them despite the trials. Maybe infact, it is because of the trials, they are so fiercely loved and cared for by many people. I have one child who always asks for more ice cream, one more tv show, 10 more minutes, one more fish, etc, another child who wistfully gazes up and thanks you unprompted, and one that does not yet speak english. But they all recognize they are special, very loved, and God’s good hand is upon them. That blesses me. Which made today a much easier transition. We were graciously given some gift card money for Build-a-bear. With this newfound wealth, we decided we would go build bears in honor of Christian. But they would actually comfort us. Selfish much? I prepped for the day by rereading all the cards and the guestbook for the memorial. People’s words were so encouraging, loving and raw. Looking back through everything allowed me to swim through the grief again, and feel covered in God’s goodness all while missing my love. We were ready to enjoy the generous gift and be blessed. I have never in my life taken the kids into a toy shop with reckless abandon, and wow-it was so much fun! Such a great experience. For me too. You pick the bear, stuff the bear, do you want your bear to have a heart beat? Who says no to that. REALLY. Do you want it to smell like a cupcake? YES! Outfits? 2 hours, 3 very happy children, and 3 broken hangers later…
Stinks’ Bear, Nate
Chuggas Bear, Callie
Weeman’s Bear, Angel
My Bear, Christian. Complete with a mended heart, and a beating heart on the inside.
My heart is full.
Today you would be 3 months old! My heart aches for you. Nightime brings a lot of solitude and time where I get to think just about you. I used to think that was when it was the toughest, but now I am thinking I need that time to just think about you and be sad and miss you. Replay what I need to replay, so I don’t get resentful when I can’t do that during the day. Not a day or stretch of time goes by where I do not think of you. We talk about you every day. If it is not you when you were here, it is praying for God to give you a hug or comfort you, (hopefully He is doing this), we talk about what you might be doing in heaven, what it will be like when we see you, if you are waiting for us, we talk about how little you were, how delicious you smelled. How precious you are. This life is so much harder without you sweet baby. The first couple months were nearly impossible for me to see or smell a baby. Then as friends brought their babies close, God brought healing. It is now not so hard. I still look for the 3 month olds. I spy them out like a weirdo and see what they are doing. Would you be holding your head up so strong? Would you be plump and girthy? Today I plan to celebrate you. I don’t know what day or month to recognize so I will do so as the Lord puts it on my heart to share. I did realize this:
The 14th is also a day of celebration, Weeman was born on April 14. Your homecoming to be with Jesus was June 9. Halle’s birthday is January 9. I know God’ s hand was even in the days appointed to your births and homecoming. I cannot mourn too hard on the days of these months as in them God has given me so many wonderful blessings. They are days where I must thank God for life He has also breathed into your brother and sister. I love you sweet child. We are 3 months closer. xoxoxo