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Dear Sweet Friends,

Oh how I have missed you all. I have missed your prayers and encouragement. All the love. The connection of Christ’s body, my friends, family. This blog became a platform for me to share updates on myself and our family as we waded through incredibly challenging seasons. Much to my surprise, through all the pain, the Holy Spirit gave me a gift to share even though I am fairly certain I was a couple points above a vegetable. True story.

I haven’t written in so long. Like-dusty cobwebs ewh long. Keep your expectations low people. I make no promises. I am 94% sure this is not going to come out in an adult-like readable fashion.

What has kept me away: Too many excuses. The inability to think straight, hold a thought, recall super special words. People. Hello Bray-er-Chad. Everytime. Cute kids. Most of the time. Cleaning. Feeding. Headaches. The laundry circus. More laundry. Keeping said kids alive. Remembering to pick them up and deliver them according to individual schedules. Sports! Oh and did I mention laundry? It’s a lot people. These past 4 years have been crazy beautiful. Insert one of the most painful seasons we have had as a family. More fun and sweet memories than I deserve. Full of love and growing pains and lots of visits to my lovely hair magician/ person/ stylist. OH MY GRAY HAIRS. What the beans?!! Eyebrows? Really.

I am not one to ask for help. You people seem to keep offering it to me because you are amazingly loving. And I am a hot mess and I believe you are my friends. Clearly VERY forgiving, selfless, kind friends. As hard as this is to type, I am humbly asking for prayer. Not because I am above it, More like I have leaned on all your petitions so many many many times.
God has given us a wonderful, bigger than life, 4 (YES 4!) year reprieve of dealing with this tumor growth. Many praises and endless thanks!

Pics of new situation. keep in mind these are slices of my brain. As for the dark space…Explains SO MUCH. Judge away.

See hot pants? On top of double kleenex? Am I happy laughing or sad laughing right now. I dunno. Anyway, pic of the 3.

Unfortunately, my old tumor is now 3 tumors. The old one, a new more aggressive one and oh-don’t forget the baby. It was originally a grade 1. Now the surgeon is saying aggressive grade 2. The other surgeon said it’s on it’s way to the next step. By definition, these tumors are stupid and slow growing. Mostly benign. Mine, not so much. The problem is one is invasive. Wrapped around my venus/ sinus. Which currently holds a blood clot/ blockage. Prime real estate. Surgery would require removal of the mesh they used to replace my skull and dealing with the blood clot, oh and remember that one time my wound wouldn’t heal and I was in the hospital for 40 days? Not in a rush to get in that line.
2 Items to note: My tumor does not respond to chemo. I am maxed out on radiation.

After talking to 4 incredible, KIND, doctors. It appears I have 2 options.
1) Laser surgery. They burn the tumor from the inside out. Only it won’t get everything. As one Dr. says, only the strongest survive. They apparently come back faster and more aggressive the more we mess with them. The problem is the most aggressive tumor is moving toward the vision area of my brain. Oh and they haven’t used this laser situation on my kind of tumor. Risks: brain swelling, hello headaches! And of course a brain bleed.
2) immunotherapy trial. This has worked amazingly well for many cancers/ tumors, however, again, it has not been used this for my kind of tumor…yet. Oh and they would need to accept me. Minor detail. Risks are developing an inflammatory illness ending in -itus. You name it. Brain swelling.

Friends, I am asking for prayer for these things, and more if you think of them:

-that God would lead us to where He wants us, treatment, Dr., etc and open the doors.
-that He would be glorified through this whole endeavor.
-that this surgery/ therapy would actually work and give me an eleventh life so I can continue to be the mother and wife He designed me to be.
-that He would open doors to share.

-Please pray for Chad. That God would give him endurance, strength and support. He works tirelessly to meet everyone’s needs. I love him.
-that we will all make it through this version of hard. Add our parents to that as well. They give us SO MUCH love, time and support.
-mostly that my children’s relationship with Christ would grow! Be solidified. They would see Jesus not just as the Savior, but THEIR Savior.

You guys: No pity. No sad face. No sulking. More faith! Let’s look to see His hand in it all. What He will do with this mess. As I write this- I am crying at Gods goodness to us. I feel guilty at looking at this next chapter with doubt. I feel foolish actually and I repent of that. God is SO. MUCH. BIGGER than my fear. My sadness. That hellish recovery gave me so more than it took. It showed me more of why I am here: to share His love and truth. The gift of salvation by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Giving us life beyond the pain, the failing bodies, the suffering. We are here to look to an eternity so much more amazing.

Haaaaaappppy New Year! Or happy day. You woke up right? It’s been so long…Writing feels like navigating mental cobwebs. I have missed it! And more importantly, you all. 🙂 God woke me up at 5:19 this morning. This is important as If you know me, this waking this early IS an act of God. He laid it heavy on my heart to put words on proverbial paper, (blog), to recognize His faithfulness, His sovereignty.

This last year, you did not read much as I physically was capable of much more, thus-I walked around in circles and tried to clean and stuff. Enjoy my babies. Play uno. Oh, and uhhh, sell our home and move. Adjust to all that comes with that. Sports. School. Everyone is most excited to eat more than toast and fruit, and not having to make daily trips to the market. Moving was a big deal and I had no idea something I desired so badly, could rock our family in such a big way. 6 months later and God has faithfully carried us. Along with that of course is the blessing of new home! Space! It is so much more than we deserve and I am so grateful. Our whole family truly loves it here.

The blog became super interesting to everyone when my brain issue started happening, and that is was gave me the platform to share what God has taught and continues to teach me as I work through all that comes with this bad boy. I had not realized how God blessed me be able to share all that was happening medically, emotionally, spiritually and how that helped me get through one of the hardest times of my life. I have all of you to thank for supporting and loving on me. This last year has held the kind of trials you can’t talk about on a blog, or publicly for that matter. These are the most isolating, and most damaging to the joy our eternal perspective ought to bring us. God is so faithful, so, so faithful. He carried me through, bringing just the right few people I was able to confide in and walk alongside me, and pour truth into me when I felt like a shell. Other days, He just allowed me to get to bedtime, and sleep offered the reset I needed for the next day, whatever that would bring. He chose this trial, and I have surrendered. And He is good. And there is redemption. Dare I say joy?

I get MRI’s every 3 months. I have felt so convicted for not sharing this, as all of you have always prayed for me and ask about my health.

In July, my MRI came back no growth. In September, as Dr. and I are flipping through MRI images, he was very happy to tell me no growth. Great! Oh wait doc-what is THAT.

On my frontal lobe there was a new growth, in my brain tissue. 1cm x 3-4cm. The radiologist MISSED it. How does something like that happen?

He didn’t know what it was yet, but it grew to be that size inside 3 months. I didn’t want to bring it to everyone’s attention as he didn’t know what it was yet-I wanted to wait. The entire month, my mind wandered. I cried. I cried a lot. My stomach hurt a lot. And then I went in October for another MRI…and it was GONE. No remnant. No artifact. No sign it was ever there. My jaw about hit the floor, I had no words and he joyfully stuttered he had never seen anything like this-ever. It was a gift. A total miracle.

I should have been proclaiming God’s greatness right then for the world to hear, right? In fear, I held back not wanting to draw attention, and that was wrong. I have struggled with that these past few months. Tuesday, I had an MRI, next Thursday, I find out what God has planned for my brain tissue for the time being. While He has graciously given me MUCH redemption and healing, His faithful character is not contingent nor related to the gifts He has mercifully blessed me with. His faithfulness lies in His unconditional love, willingness to forgive, and ever presence I know I can call on at any time.

My mother’s 90 year old friend is currently in the hospital dying. It is no less sad and upsetting to watch life end, regardless if 90 great years were lived. As I watched her breathe last night, knowing her life will soon end, I am reminded so sharply how each minute of life is sustained and controlled by our loving God. What peace that brings me in the most uncertain and painful times. What a reminder to praise Him in the happiest. He is sovereign, working all things together for those who love Him, and I trust He will do good

It has been what feels like such a decade. I have had so much to share… to say… to admit….gulp. I have missed blogging. Next post, or 10, I want to share the past 6 months of the incredible last 6 months.

Today, I couldn’t wait for the next best time to withdraw the necessary chunk of banked spare time to share my heart, so here she is. (on credit)

Today, 3 years ago, we found our sweet boy. He had slipped away. I awoke to grey baby with no breath, no heart beat. With shaking hands I type this and with these same hands I dialed 911 while my husband tried CPR. The first responder, a sheriff, showed up and helped Chad until the ambulance arrived as I sat on the ground begging Jesus for a miracle, a heartbeat. Over, and over: please Jesus, a heartbeat! A heartbeat. PLEASE!!! I had no idea what I was even asking as I couldn’t compute that too much time had passed without one. 3 minutes passed. They loaded us into the ambulance. 10 minutes passed….I kept praying. Asking the paramedics to please keep trying. Please Jesus. Please. Please. Please. Jesus-Please! Almost to Choc, 15-17? minutes in…a heartbeat. The paramedics all stared at each other as they yelled heartbeat. What? How? He had a heart beat again. A very low, erratic heartbeat. Jesus gave me a miracle that day. I knew it was Him. It was not science. It was not “what our human bodies sometimes do”. Moment by moment, as the outcome of it all was unfolding, I saw that miracle as one of the most precious gifts I have ever received from God’s gracious hand. Christian might have had a heartbeat for the better part of that day before going on the breathing machine, but truthfully, he was gone. He never came back, never moved, never made noise. Never nursed again, and I was never able to see the window to his blessed soul through his beautiful baby blues after the night before.
Some of you might be struggling to call a heartbeat ending in death a miracle, that God didn’t come through. How sad for you Michelle. Jesus gave me that heartbeat, not as false hope. But for eternal hope, for comfort and affirmation that He is and was with me. As he passed, He was there. As life was given back, He was there too. And maybe part of the purpose in lending me that time was to give me peace when it was time for Him to ultimately take him back again 2 days later. I believe with my whole heart-God had His days numbered at 26 before time began. How honored I feel to have been chosen to have brought him into this world to have known nothing but love. Equal to the height of honor is the depth of broken. Still-It is so very hard to slip back into June 7, 2013.
God has laid it heavy on my heart to share of this beautiful gift, and today, I choose to thank Jesus, and to praise Him for the miracle He has given me in that moment, in bringing Christian to life-conception to birth. I don’t use that word lightly-I pray it brings glory to Jesus the way He intended. It has helped me recount the countless other ‘supernatural’ blessings I know ONLY came from His hand. These last few years have shown me more of our loving God full of grace and faithfulness to bring us through where He has led us. I have seen His divine discipline in my life, as well as His holiness as I see the vast discrepancy in His character and person in contrast to yours truly’s. He brought me to life in salvation, the old passed and the new came…and is still a hot mess. At least a mess with her eyes fixed eternity. (Stumbling more than I would like). Until then, pleasing God, and shamefully admitting counting the hours till bedtime. I pray as some of you might be walking through your own rocky path of hard, probably worse or more painful than mine, you will place your full trust in the only One who can hold you, lead you, save you, shield you from the fear in which grief and sadness can hold you hostage; our glorious Savior.
God bless you sweet friends.

Love,
Michelle

He will cover you with his pinions, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler. Psalm 91:4

Happy belated New Year?! Is it too late? I missed the thanksgiving…Christmas…and New Year boat. Welcome back to planet earth Michelle! Mid January is an impeccable time to re-acclimate to reality. A Christmas highlight was seeing all of your beautiful Christmas cards. It helped tame the mailman’s envy of the UPS hero and brought us much joy. In shame, I missed the window of opportunity to send out Christmas cards. Let’s be honest; we never put forth the effort or thought into taking that staged, fancy family portrait. I firmly believe my kids toes/ feet are too crusty or beat to make that cute-we didn’t get a good family photo so here are our precious children’s feet picture. You are welcome.

These last 4-5 months have felt schizophrenic. Many times I have thought about blogging, and then I would try and think about what I would write, then…you guessed it. A little person stubs their toe/shatters my ear drum/ gets their hair caught in the disneyland spray fan/ an unnamed child begins the bloodcurdling scream over sharing a broken toy that no one EVER plays with. You know, standard operating procedure inside a young family who has no idea what they are doing.

Joy and sadness have been the threads woven into  our blanket of life in this past season. We enjoyed many laughs with friends and family, sometimes over God’s sense of humor in the path of our day, some tears of joy, some tears of sadness, intentional times of expressing gratitude, suffering with headaches, saying goodbye to 3 seperate close, close friends we hold so dear. This is in addition to the 8 or 10 other families we have said goodbye to in the last 4 years. These aren’t just people we knew, these are some our closest friends, people we love and cherish and miss like crazy. The distance hurts. There is such grief in saying goodbye, knowing the next time we will enjoy their physical weekly presence where we get to share lives together will not be here in this life. It is so hard. This again raises my focus upward, looking forward to seeing you all again in a place we can only compare to our imagination of paradise in the presence of our King. Emotional heartbreak inside our family has been a color of suffering I would gladly trade in for another 10 brain surgeries. I had forgotten how debilitating emotional pain can be.  We have also been beyond happy pants to watch my oldest play his 2 passions, and do it so well! He grew exponentially this last season with a very special baseball AND soccer team. We are beyond thankful for the coaches we were blessed to have who knew what they were doing and invested so faithfully in a group of 8 year olds. I don’t know many kids who get to be on 2 amazing teams, both placing 1st in the same season. I hope he bottles that up. I know I have. My little guy has also shown such incredible drive and growth in his new love, soccer. Little nugget. My youngest love muffin has officially adopted my love for horses…10 fold. OBSESSED. Chad is super excited it is such a cheap hobby/ sport.

Amidst it all, I have failed and allowed circumstances to dictate my emotions. These tend to drive me to a place I desperately want out of. Those hard days can’t end soon enough. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t blogged or been a recluse. If it’s a good day, let’s rejoice and take on every theme/ trampoline park and eat dessert all day! Yay! The happy days, I have wanted to savor. If they lasted long enough and the end of thoughtful parenting commenced, I would pork out on ice cream, watch a show or 3 and would either pass out or pretend to accomplish something by beginning doing the 400 things my brain decided to remind me of at 10pm. I believe they clinically diagnose this behavior, disorder or thought process as anxiety. It’s not that I am above another diagnosis. However,  if we are really honest, isn’t that what most of us are doing? Especially when you are responsible for 3 precious lives, adhering to, (or failing to adhere to), critically important schedules, restocking, feeding, cleaning 6 hours a day, all on a small percentage of brain power and reliable memory….and yawwwwn. The list goes on. All of it so small at the feet of the Almighty.

The concerning area of night time crack brain is the ‘what if’ train. My train consists of what else/ who else is going to be taken? How can I control/ prevent these things? It is certainly not a reflection of the trust we ought to have. Especially in my life. Admitting this battle feels like such betrayal to my God who has faithfully carried me in every way, establishing my full trust in all things. This night time runaround is the foundation of the accusation of distrust; which has given the accuser a foothold on successfully disrupting my pursuit of Christ. Distracting me by questioning my faith in the truth that His love for me is unconditional. In surveying the corners of my heart and everything inbetween, I can honestly affirm my allegiance and absolute trust in our Lord and all He has for me.  This, of course, is why there is constant raging battle with the army of  ‘what if’s?’ that attack most nights. It is what feels like an incessant fight to redirect every thought to prayer, remembering scripture, begging God to give me peace. It pursues me until His love quiets my mind. This faithfully happens at some point. I am sharing all this to hopefully encourage you all to fight the anxiousness of tomorrow. You are not alone.  Our pastor’s most recent sermon was on this very issue and fear. I have to admit I left that sermon feeling pretty good about worry and all that. I boxed it into finances, health, etc. Then I simmered on the truths of this verse….and here we are. If you have the time, listen. Sooo GOOD. Look at January 17.

http://www.compasschurch.org/sermons-weekend-services/

Luke 12:22-34

22 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[c] 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,[d]yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his[e]kingdom, and these things will be added to you.

32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

In conclusion, I have realized/ remembered 3 things:

1. the power in God’s word is real, living, sharp and active.
2. prayer will get you through. It might not get you fixed, end everything, etc., however, you be upheld.
3. ingesting legal doses of melatonin are an extra pair of nunchucks in the ninja suit.

Happy New Year sweet friends.

It is VIRAL!!! God specifically answered our prayers for the doctors, wisdom, and protection over my big guy. The doctors are all amazing. They all were so kind, patient and careful to be considerate of B’s pain and love for baseball. 🙂 Praising God for his continual grace and love to us nobodies. I seriously am in awe and wonder of WHO He is, and the fact He cares for and hears our cries, begging and praises. These past couple weeks, praises abound. I have to physically write down what He has done in this short time so I can remember in times of hardship. Sorry people…you get the personal side of the blog today. I lose track of everything ALL the time. It’s how I get my 10,000 steps in. And my kids think I am an idiot.

Ok, back to praises.

#1 the health scare with my boy is going to be ok, Lord willing. #2 all of you. All of your prayers, support, love…it carries us through the valleys. #3 our $1800 car repair was mysteriously covered by the dealership. Well past the warranty and all that good stuff. It’s a 10 day repair. Oh, not only that, they are paying for the rental, which is currently a brand new Yukon. Please GMC, keep my beast as long as you want. Maybe break something or forget to order the part? #4 random financial breaks in purchasing needed things for sports, food, etc. #5 my latest MRI came back the same. No growth. NO GROWTH!!! Ahhhh!!!! Happy dance! Dr. still can’t make brain cells appear. Can’t help my lack of balance.  Or fix the fact I am short a couple french fries, but hey! I am above ground. My powers of observation can use a face lift-but for now,  the exhaustion, confusion, neurological deficiencies can take a back seat. It’s impossible to wade around in the swamp when God gives us a much more brilliant gift to enjoy.  He has done so much more than we could have ever hoped for or asked. Many, many, many thanks to our sweet friends and family, prayer warriors. Thankful to my Jesus for saving me, giving me hope, confidence and faith. Thankful beyond my ability to express.