It hit me. May is not my favorite month. In fact, this month gives me the burn/ itch. May holds too many expectations, failed, yet to be fulfilled, and impossible to appropriately meet. 2 of my best friends birthday’s fall in this month. 2 great days to praise God for the gift of their life and the many ways they have made life so much more joyful! Yet they both live far away. Next, we have Mother’s day. We unargueably have the best mothers on the planet. They deserve their own day. But for some reason each year, it always gets sliced weird. They get the mangled crust with a cute homemade gift. Not long enough cards. They deserve the world, and then a week at the spa for all they give to us, all the countless ways they generously love us. Usually the day after or 2, is our Anniversary. May 13. Poor wedding planning on our part. We then have our baby Christian’s Birthday. May 14. A day that brought so much hope last year. Our baby would be one. It would be a bold lie to say anything other than I would give anything to ambien my way through the pain, and sadness this month holds. Celebrating seems so off color. Pressing on in my own strength would be a joke, so God has graciously gifted our family with mothers, fathers, family, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, pastors, nurses, doctors, teachers to spur us/ me on. To encourage us, and to show us He is here. He is meeting each need before we even have the chance to panic or plan for a solution. He is hearing my heart be poured out before Him and showing me moment by moment how He is going to carry me/ us through. In the times where the suffering is insurmountable-He swiftly gives me the mercy needed to keep breathing. I notice He does this after I see the need. Most of the time, He just gives me what is so unnatural-peace. People I would have never otherwise known, but through His perfect hand, have come alongside me to specifically encourage and fill my heart with His promises and know exactly what scripture to point me to. Hugs, cards, flowers, meals, prayers. People I would have never had the pleasure of knowing had I not endured previous painful trials. And that is so the nature of our big and unsearchable God. Using brokeness, to heal deeper brokeness, to bring us to an ever full and perfect redemption. God will not let me sit here and declare self pity, up in arms at what seems like injustice. This mother’s day my heart is aligned with His and I declare my allegiance to Christ and His work with the life He has breathed into me. He is changing my heart, sustaining me, and giving me far more than I could have ever known to pray for. He is showing me His glory through this recovery and what-feels-like-a-marathon-life-trial. Today I see my God bigger than ever, and worthy of being trusted. I pray that when you look back and take stock of your life and blessings today, you too will see exactly what God has entrusted you with, and the many mercies He has graciously bestowed upon you.
Blog
-
Weeman is 5!!!
My sweet baby. 5 years old! Your Birthday was April 14, and Mama has some making up to do. A month has almost passed with no mention of you entering big boy-hood. You, my little love bug, are my joy, my happiness. You warm my heart to no end and I am just so blessed God chose me to be your mama! As I parent you, or rather love on you, I still catch myself gasping at what a kind compassionate boy you are. You are the one who gives hugs and kisses to hurt people. (me). You love your Angel bear. You are sensitive. Caring. I can’t wait to see the big boy and then man God has made you to be. You love baseball. You run FAST. You don’t react fast, as you are always thoughtful in your response. Rather that be to hit your brother or run to first base. You want to make you are doing the right thing. Or better, equally measured. For this, I adore you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for bringing so much light into my life and for being such a cuddlebug. You make my heart melt daily, and I am so overcome that God chose me, to mother you. I love you forever and always.
Mama
-
Schizophrenic Update
Our Christian would have been one Wednesday. I awoke with tears flowing. What followed, I could have never dreamed. My husband never let me go-he held my hand, my heart and walked with me through the emotional day. I could not love him any more than I do in this moment. In fact, the love that has come from the loss of Christian’s life is blinding. It is an avalanche of God’s love, perfected in friendships and relationships with people He has given to walk with us. We are thankful for each of you. Many of you showed us love, gifts, and kindness today that will never be forgotten. I actually wrote down every single thing and person God has given us through this journey to ensure I will not soon forget. Providentially, we had to stop by Brayden’s school for something, and we were surprised and shocked to be gifted the most cherished box of handmade cards from each child in my boy’s class, complete with pictures and sentences of encouragement, cards from parents, and a very generous monetary gift. On went the tear faucet. As I read each and every card, I saw the gift of life in each child God created, His loving teacher and the parents. What big hearts! So. much. love.
If that is not encouraging enough, this last week has held many good things I will claim as praises.
1) my legs are working better! I can hobble around. It’s ugly, but hey! I can figure it out. (Safely with a walker-complete with some smashingly hot tennis balls). I am not bed bound as I had humanly feared, and I attribute this to ALL to your faithful and appreciated prayers. I hope you see the progress as the answered prayers they are and that they would bolster your faith and strengthen your prayer life. God has given us a miracle in mobility. Please continue to pray. I am numb up to my stomach, the sensations are rare and the muscle weakness is pretty bad. I need to eat my wheaties and actually do the pictograms on the PT chart that have been copied 46 times. There is hope! 🙂 Each day is giving me more and more to be thankful for.
2) Ready for some gross TMI?? If not, there is a little x in the upper left hand corner.
Tuesday morning, my staples failed, and brain fluid started flowing out. Like a lot. It was gross and scary. So we saw the surgeon right away and he looked at me, and stapled my head shut again, no anesthesia. True story. It’s ok, out squirted a shower of cervical spinal fluid. He bravely freaked out, and immediately put in 4 sutures in to stop the leaking. NO ANESTHESIA. Are you kidding me? Maybe I do have super powers. I then started crying and they kindly gave me a horse tranquilizer. Many narcotics later, it’s all better. Amen.
The surgeon also ordered an MRI to see how much residual tumor is left, so we will know how to move forward. The next appointment is next thursday with my ‘fix the annoying blonde’s brain’ team. The seizures are still a coming. They are shorter than before the surgery, but still present. So that is something to pray for. Please no more seizures! The hope is they will go away, so I can be an independent mommy.3) Chad was scheduled to go to work today, and on the way there, they cancelled work due to the fires. While I am sad for San Diego, I am thankful I got my man today! This was a gift as I LOVE my husband, and enjoy every extra minute I get to be with him.
4) Regardless of the fact we redated our anniversary to July 18, we did celebrate {eat out} on our anniversary, at a super packed fancy restaurant. I am so glad I made reservations.
5) I have been getting hours upon hours of this preciousness:
6) we had a peaceful celebration of what would have been Christian’s 1st Birthday at the cemetery. It was a warm breezy early evening, and I couldn’t help but be thankful for the lives God has graciously given us to love, nuture, and raise.
7) My big outing this week was getting my nails done with mamabird, and frequenting the ever trashy walmart. I made eye contact with a bald guy in above the knee pink shorts wearing a pair of rolled over uggs. It was beautiful… and of course I couldn’t grab my phone camera quick enough. I nailed the corner of the aisle with the motor cart and scared a small family. Sooooorrry! But not really, because it made me giggle, and well….it feels good to giggle.
-
Prayers needed
Please pray with me? I started leaking spinal fluid again, and had to go the hospital. They are admitting me and have to put a drain in my brain cavity, which is a procedure that is intended to protect from an infection that could compromise my health in a big way. Having the procedure holds risks in itself, along with the risk of infection despite the drain. This is not normal, so the reason behind all this I pray is a fluke and nothing more serious. Please pray for protection over my body? That this drain would solve the problem? I am currently waiting for for an MRI to make sure there is nothing else going on that is causing the fluid to build up. I will then be admitted, have the drain installed and held in the ICU on strict bed rest for a few days in hopes this solves the problem, and I can get moving on the path to recovery. The upside is the AMAZING chicken fingers and cheesecake I get to
at all hours of the day. Cruise ship style. Hospitals aren’t so bad. The nurses are 5 star status and I get waited on like a princess. 🙂 Thank you praying friends!! -
I am feeling pretty embarrassed with all the updates. I am sorry for consuming your news feeds and updating so often. That being said, things are pretty serious, and the one constant comfort I have is knowing I can beg God for deliverance through prayer and true and complete dependence on Him. Knowing I have exhausted the resource of prayer, brings me the peace I need to press on. Two things: one, I was informed the type of infection I am at risk for is meningitis. The life threatening kind. To say I am disappointed in my surgeons communication skills is the understatement of the year. Second, there was a major complication with the placing of the drain-the control valve failed and I lost a very large amount of spinal fluid. Along with the additional leak comes yet another pathway for meningitis, and I spent the night in tremendous, uncontrollable pain, the worst headache and backache I have ever had. It is still not draining properly, and I have been warned, they will most likely redo the drain today. With anesthesia, which means recovery starts alllll over again. Considering the new additional risk factors and pain ahead, I am discouraged. I will not lose heart and I resolve to continue to trust in Gods sovereign nature. Thank you for praying! Thank you for your notes of encouragement. I can’t get back to everyone but I appreciate it all the same.
