Hi friends. What a week! I cannot appropriately show my gratitude for all the prayers, messages, sweet acts of kindness andscripture. They have been answered so specifically in many ways. So encouraged. Many people have so sweetly asked how things are going? How am I doing? The easy answer is “great!” “Each day is getting better.”
The more honest answer lies below. I apologize for the delay in update and returning texts and messages. The fine motor side of brain has a major recovery ahead. Reading, writing etc is extremely fatigue-ing (is that a word??) Last Tuesday, the surgery went well. 6.5 hours and they got most of the tumor out. One blood transfusion, which was an answered prayer times a thousand. Last time I had 6. The Dr. described the tumor as a knuckle sandwich, wedged in between the 2 hemispheres. Which explains why I have had so many side effects. The tumor was large and had begun to deform my skull. They removed that part and I have a titanium plate in place, robocop style. Complete with a ton of screws. 🙂 This surgery was also the most complicated in many ways. The part that was left is not in an ideal spot, it is so deep, when- if they go back, it becomes more and more complicated. We find out more about what the next step is in an appt with the nuero-oncologist. Another chance to completely rely on God’s sovereign nature to play it out with arms wide open. This is His life and His plan is perfect. We have had the best moms and dads and friends and family supporting us and loving us. God has covered every detail, big and small. And Chad hasn’t collapsed! He is a rockstar with a great, loving attitude. Always serving and loving me with a big smile. We could not do anything apart of the sacrifices of our parents, so thank you!!! They have allowed us to stay together by keeping the kids together. God has been ever so faithful to give us HIS perfect peace. I do have a much larger recovery ahead than I had realized. I will take this chance to ask for prayer for my ability to walk again. My body has forgotten, my legs are still dead/ numb, thus I cannot walk unless I am 100% assisted. Our home has a ton of stairs, so this will be a challenge. Please pray my legs would awake? I would be restored mentally and physically? That my babies would get their mommy back? Today they decide if I stay in the hospital, go to a live-in rehab facility, or go straight home. Of course my desire is to be home! Also please pray for my husband, he has an incredible burden on his shoulders. Along with our parents. We are completely at God’s mercy to see how needs will be filled. Both practical and emotional needs. Another huge area of good news are: my seizures have lessened, having about half as many, so hopefully that is an indicator they will come to an end. Wow. That was a mouthful/ eyeful/ earful. Oye. Sorry peeps. Lastly please thank our good, perfect, merciful God for who He is and all He has given us and entrusted us with. Eternal salvation alone is enough, but with that comes a relationship, one where we can confidently rely on him for the grace and contentment needed to walk in His ways. Especially in the hardest of times. We love you all. So thankful for each and every one of you.
Category: Brain
-
Recovery update
-
Tumor update
I was going to try and be all witty with a fun title, and caved. Too much work, too little brain power. As many of you praying friends know, I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon today. We all have been praying for clear direction, on how to proceed, or not proceed. For the Dr. to have wisdom. Huge praise: God answered us so clearly. The appointment today was a follow up to my MRI that happened back at the end February. I knew walking out of that hammer chamber, something was up. The tech admitted to checking my most recent MRI and comparing, then got all flustered. The same guy that does all my MRI’s, we’re tight. Not really. He is a nice guy and a fanatic about removing metal. And is super generous with warm blankets. So I like him. I digress.
What was supposed to be the doctor calling in 3-5 business days, turned into 2 weeks. Turned into a really unpleasant, wenchy side of Michelle. My surgeon apparantly went to France or somewhere fantastical. When he returned he had the nurse call to say he was in surgery, that it had changed, but he wanted me to come in for a chat. I figured since the appointment they gave me was a month out it was no big deal.
So….back to today. It grew. About 15-20% from my last MRI. The thing never grew once during the pregnancy, which was unbelievable. So my slow growing tumor went from the size (in mass) of a golf ball to the size of an egg inside of 10 months. 39mm-49mm across to be exact.
You can see here:Before
After
As a result of what I just shared with you, Dr. has scheduled surgery, (craniotomy & resection of tumor), on April 29. Of this year. In 2 weeks. I know-whoa. The goal is to get to the root of the tumor, and take out a part of my falx. It seems like a complicated procedure, but my doc seemed confident. A burly mustache/ goatee thing going on, coupled with his 6’5″ stature, I wasn’t going to argue.
How do I feel about all this? Relieved. Thankful. At peace. (As much as God is allowing) I am surrounded by doctors and loved ones who God cared enough to providentially plant into my life. They are good and perfect gifts to me and I see, feel, and know that. We have another chance to see how God will work through this next step in faith. He has given me mercy, mercy, mercy amidst the pain and sting of a fallen world. I have no doubt He will faithfully lead us through another trial. I pray this next surgery/ recovery will glorify our MIGHTY God.
Please pray that with me?
Also while you are getting right on that, can you pray for my husband who will be carrying the heavy responsibility of both our roles until God works out my recovery? our parents who so lovingly care for us?
Please also pray for my surgeon. I don’t want to out him, so I will give you his first name: Marc. Pray for wisdom, that God would work through his hands to fix my brain. Pray the surgery goes well. There is NO significant blood loss or complication. That I would come out a ‘new and improved’ Michelle. Please for my childrens hearts to be nurtured and that they would be a joy for whomever is caring or them at the moment.
Most importantly, please thank God for all that He has done for us specifically these last 3 years. His blessings truly are immeasurable. Thank you sweet friends for praying for and loving us. -
So…
I will state the obvious-it has been awhile. Fair warning: this post will not be a Happy!!!! post. Or one where I am so in love with everything!!!! and everyone!!! And my life is better than yours!!!! Yay!!!! January-today has been a totally different world than the business and hopeful fight through 2013.
I wish I could say I have been laboring hard on some interesting and fancy new project, but I think we all know me better. I have some chipped, half painted nails, an unmade bed and a heaping pile of body coverings in desperate need of folding. Or lets be honest, re-washing for the 10th time. PB and jellies are a a mental obstacle. It is a dry, sad season, and I fear it is beginning to feel comfortable. Christian is gone. Whatever memory I am clinging to is becoming blurry. I still think of him every night and involuntarily mentally re-enact that horrific morning. I see life ahead of the inital stages of grief-it is just forever a different shade than I ever imagined. Yes, God has done great things, yet there is nothing in this life that will redeem the loss. The loss of a huge chunk of my heart. The loss of his warm life in my arms. The loss of ever looking at a baby with the same smile. The loss of the brother for my 3 sweet children who still ask about him all. the. time. Christian is loved and missed in a terrible way.
The patriarch of my side of the family went and made his debut in heaven on March 1. I say “heaven” boldly. He repented of his sin and placed His trust in Christ’s work on the cross a lifetime ago. I had the opportunity to intently listen to so many people share of the impact and pursuit of holiness that took place because of his life and willingness to give it to God to spur them on, encourage them, lead them. He truly lived his life in a manner worthy of the calling. Hearing how God chose him and used him so mightily was overwhelming. And convicting. And made me so thankful and proud to be his grand daughter.
As for the journey my health is on, I am not sure if it is more emotionally or physically draining. I am learning: vitamins and prayer don’t fix everything. Some things in life are meant to stay broken. My heart is beating-I get to live life as my husbands’ wife, children’s mama, parents (peter pan-never growing up) child and for that, I can’t complain, right? No, still can’t drive. (so thankful you all cart me around so graciously!) No, still can’t get my meds right, and truthfully, I feel like a burden. My latest MRI shows the companion in my brain has taken up a little further residency, not significant enough for an immediate surgery or dramatic knee jerk plan of action. I have no idea if another surgery is on the table, or if I get to watch the new symptoms become permanent. I get to simmer on the possibilities for a few weeks.
There has been heaps of bad news. Broken lives. Broken bodies. Sadness. Loss. The truth is there is comfort in similar company and there is a dark heaviness too. My heart, while broken, is regenerate. And for that, I hold onto hope that God’s purpose for my life is greater than rambling on about worthless feelings. I pray by you reading this, you see because I/ you/ us/ other sad people struggle with fallen reality, am not inferior to positive thinking, make it happen for yourself, smile anyway people plastered all over social media. It is a lie. Some things you can’t fake your way through. I choose to limp with a clear conscience. That said, I am ready for some redemption. Ready for some good news, happy times and breakthroughs. More than my wishlist, I humbly raise my hands and wait patiently on my Savior to give me what He so faithfully promises; sweet mercy. -
Personal update
The waves keep coming. It is well. Our Lord is graciously providing care, patience and love. The last week or so, brought me some hope so I feel like I can finally share some good news. Some of you may know I have been having seizures (not the convulsant kind) on/ off since January. They were pretty well under control until a month ago, when they started happening multiple times a day. Our wonderful moms/ parents/ friends have been helping us function as a family unit. We have needed full time care for the kids as I am a wild card. My mom comes every morning and afternoon, Rhonda, My mom in law comes every Monday and Friday. Like I said we have the best most sacrificial, loving moms and dads ever. SO thankful. I have struggled with whether to share this on a public platform or not, but, I don’t feel like this is something I need to keep behind closed doors anymore. (And I am tired of typing and saying the same thing over and over again.) If anything I hope that by me saying this so broadly, people will be understanding, not take this as a pity party. I am thankful, blessed, and being transparent about my physical and mental limitations-no, I can’t drive, I can’t meet you for you coffee, I can’t rush around and do everything I used to. I am on 3 antiseizure medications that affect the central nervous system, so I am shaky, weak, dizzy, slow to process information, have short term memory loss, shot by 11am, ya know, just about right on target for Michelle. In other words, I am an old woman. I do take full advantage the motorized carts at costco and target. This delights me, and brings me tears of happiness. When I hit something, plus 10 points, and you may get a giggle. But I said I good news to share. Ready???
That is one huge head.
(Kaisers imparting words of wisdom-A+ Campaign marketing Dept.)Ok, so last week I was admitted for a 3, well, 4 day EEG. They watch your brain, withold caffeine, (GASP), and sleep deprive you waiting for seizure activity. I think my head head spun off my shoulders. They got what they needed, THANK YOU LORD. This was a huge answered prayer. They know how to better medicate me. To find the right med cocktail can take years, so the fact they know which meds will help the parts of my brain affected is a huge blessing. One step closer to functioning independently. I will in no way push it. I completely leave driving and such up to the doctors, they say at least 3-6 months from the time of no seizure activity. I am so thankful God has provided peace with being chauffered around. And people willing to do this! One of the 3 meds takes 6 weeks to kick in. Awesome. We are trusting God has us in this state of humility and complete dependence for His good purpose. By no means is this comfortable, but I will say when He is leading there is a peace about the path; splinters, boulders and all. Thank you praying friends. -
Post op
Thank you praying friends, and friends of friends. Thank you Lord for pulling me through with no infection. I had the surgery yesterday, it went well! They took everything out, and replaced everything, most importantly, gave me a more powerful shunt. The doctors were very happy and the surgery was considered a success. In fact, they washed my hair in the operating room!!!! What wonderfully kind doctors. Or they might of had to, to be able to stand over my rank smelling head in order to effectively operate. Then, this morning happened. I woke up in another puddle, and I am leaking yet AGAIN. Are you kidding me?! My doctor called my other surgeon and he was very disappointed. He had said he had never had a case like this, and looked pretty upset. I proceeded to have a good cry, which I am sure made him super comfortable and told him we would be praying the leak stops. If God says no, we are looking at yet another surgery next week. I am discouraged, sad, and am fighting the fear of the unknown. I am sitting in pain, waiting for deliverance. I am more dependent than ever on our Loving God for my daily bread, courage and mercy. Please pray friends, the leaking would cease. That my body will get with the program. I am tired and weak. The thought of going through this all over again pains my soul. I am ready to see what He will do, how He will carry us all through. Thank you for praying friends.
