The texts, emails, phonecalls have been pouring in the last couple days, and I have to say, I am SO encouraged, SO uplifted, and SO comforted. Your prayers, words of encouragement, and scripture has truly meant the world to me. I am overwhelmed at how much love and support we have-how much God has given us through all of you. Thank you friends for taking the time to stop and write me or my man.
This week started off really hard. Honestly, hard. I was a hot mess. There were wet eyes and a lot of sadness on my part. If you were lucky you saw the snot bubbles:). I was afraid, and failing to remember one of the most significant promises He makes. I owe a big thank you to a sweet wise mentor who kindly pointed me back to sweet truth:
…if God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died-more than that-who was raised-who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceeding for us. Who shall seperate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?…..No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present or things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth nor anything else in all creation will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord.
Romans 8:31-35
What a precious reminder of the love our God has for us, and how secure we are in our Fathers arms.
On the heels of meditating on this scripture, wouldn’t you guess it….our faithful God, yet again, met me, and has covered me in peace about Friday. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted and we can rejoice and praise Him for being real. What a loving Jesus we have.
Category: Brain
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Overjoyed.
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t-7 days…
July 27th is approaching like a freight train. Not going to lie. I am having a hard time. The usual emotional girl stuff I hope. I am scared. I can’t really tell you of what though. Maybe of not being normal after? Or not waking up? Of not remembering stuff? me losing all feeling in my legs? Being a burden to everyone? Not of dying. Although, I do think of that. That part is ok only because I know where I am going. Although it makes me sad to try and picture my babies lives without me as their mommy. Is that selfish? It makes me sad for them. B keeps telling me he doesn’t want me to go to heaven. I am totally regretting telling him what they are doing when I go away to the hospital.
Anyway, I am feeling weak. Which brings me to one of my most favorite scriptures, that I seem to only fully appreciate when I feeling like a runt.
But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9
God does this amazing thing when we entrust ourselves in our entirety to Him. He lets us know He has us. In little ways. Rather that be through scripture that screams to us, “I am speaking to YOU.” or through people and how they minister to your needs specifically or though a peace He gives us that surpasses all understanding. By His grace I have experienced all 3. I am recounting the many ways He carried me through the last trial, praising Him for the flawless surgery/ recovery/ care I would not trade for the world. There. I said it. He did it flawlessly last time, and I am afraid He won’t do it twice.
Please pray that I would guard my heart against that fear? My God has made me, and already ordained what is going to go down. Please pray that I would have a peace about the whole thing? And that I would remember:
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; whom shall I be afraid? -Psalm 27:1 -
Round 2:
And yet still; His love for me is Holy.
The last month the freak headaches have returned along with other wierd symptoms I won’t bore you with. An MRI was ordered and thankfully they found immediately that our unwelcome little friend has grown. Thank you Lord that you are driving this boat, and you know where we are headed. If I have learned anything, it is that I am nothing. And at the same time, reminded by scripture/ and our Pastor, how incredible it is that God would give us His special attention. We are so undeserving, unworthy, especially thinking of the many ways I fail on a daily basis to show my Savior how much I love him, and yet, His love for me is Holy. It is perfect, and being reminded of the depth of His love is what I needed to get through this next surgery. Today I met with the surgeon, and after reviewing the MRI, he says July 27th is the date. So, if you know me and love me/ my husband/ my little people, please pray for us?
-God to be glorified in this transaction.
-We need prayer for the surgeon: His hands to be guided with God’s wisdom, to know how far to go without inflicting damage.
-prayer for our marriage, that we would stand unified looking to God for our strength. Cause’ we ain’t gettin’ it from our vitamix.
-our babes. pray they will adjust well, and we will figure out enough activities for them to do in the middle of summer to keep em busy.
-Prayer for preparations to make a smooth transition from hospital to home to recovered.
-smooth and speedy recovery.I am going to be real and say I am totally not looking forward to going through another surgery, however, remembering all the ways God led my family and I through each trial, and each victory made it a blessing. So, in a complicated way, I am looking forward to seeing how God will use this for His good purpose. We are all His anyway, right? Right. 🙂
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So…
I will state the obvious-it has been awhile. Fair warning: this post will not be a Happy!!!! post. Or one where I am so in love with everything!!!! and everyone!!! And my life is better than yours!!!! Yay!!!! January-today has been a totally different world than the business and hopeful fight through 2013.
I wish I could say I have been laboring hard on some interesting and fancy new project, but I think we all know me better. I have some chipped, half painted nails, an unmade bed and a heaping pile of body coverings in desperate need of folding. Or lets be honest, re-washing for the 10th time. PB and jellies are a a mental obstacle. It is a dry, sad season, and I fear it is beginning to feel comfortable. Christian is gone. Whatever memory I am clinging to is becoming blurry. I still think of him every night and involuntarily mentally re-enact that horrific morning. I see life ahead of the inital stages of grief-it is just forever a different shade than I ever imagined. Yes, God has done great things, yet there is nothing in this life that will redeem the loss. The loss of a huge chunk of my heart. The loss of his warm life in my arms. The loss of ever looking at a baby with the same smile. The loss of the brother for my 3 sweet children who still ask about him all. the. time. Christian is loved and missed in a terrible way.
The patriarch of my side of the family went and made his debut in heaven on March 1. I say “heaven” boldly. He repented of his sin and placed His trust in Christ’s work on the cross a lifetime ago. I had the opportunity to intently listen to so many people share of the impact and pursuit of holiness that took place because of his life and willingness to give it to God to spur them on, encourage them, lead them. He truly lived his life in a manner worthy of the calling. Hearing how God chose him and used him so mightily was overwhelming. And convicting. And made me so thankful and proud to be his grand daughter.
As for the journey my health is on, I am not sure if it is more emotionally or physically draining. I am learning: vitamins and prayer don’t fix everything. Some things in life are meant to stay broken. My heart is beating-I get to live life as my husbands’ wife, children’s mama, parents (peter pan-never growing up) child and for that, I can’t complain, right? No, still can’t drive. (so thankful you all cart me around so graciously!) No, still can’t get my meds right, and truthfully, I feel like a burden. My latest MRI shows the companion in my brain has taken up a little further residency, not significant enough for an immediate surgery or dramatic knee jerk plan of action. I have no idea if another surgery is on the table, or if I get to watch the new symptoms become permanent. I get to simmer on the possibilities for a few weeks.
There has been heaps of bad news. Broken lives. Broken bodies. Sadness. Loss. The truth is there is comfort in similar company and there is a dark heaviness too. My heart, while broken, is regenerate. And for that, I hold onto hope that God’s purpose for my life is greater than rambling on about worthless feelings. I pray by you reading this, you see because I/ you/ us/ other sad people struggle with fallen reality, am not inferior to positive thinking, make it happen for yourself, smile anyway people plastered all over social media. It is a lie. Some things you can’t fake your way through. I choose to limp with a clear conscience. That said, I am ready for some redemption. Ready for some good news, happy times and breakthroughs. More than my wishlist, I humbly raise my hands and wait patiently on my Savior to give me what He so faithfully promises; sweet mercy. -
Personal update
The waves keep coming. It is well. Our Lord is graciously providing care, patience and love. The last week or so, brought me some hope so I feel like I can finally share some good news. Some of you may know I have been having seizures (not the convulsant kind) on/ off since January. They were pretty well under control until a month ago, when they started happening multiple times a day. Our wonderful moms/ parents/ friends have been helping us function as a family unit. We have needed full time care for the kids as I am a wild card. My mom comes every morning and afternoon, Rhonda, My mom in law comes every Monday and Friday. Like I said we have the best most sacrificial, loving moms and dads ever. SO thankful. I have struggled with whether to share this on a public platform or not, but, I don’t feel like this is something I need to keep behind closed doors anymore. (And I am tired of typing and saying the same thing over and over again.) If anything I hope that by me saying this so broadly, people will be understanding, not take this as a pity party. I am thankful, blessed, and being transparent about my physical and mental limitations-no, I can’t drive, I can’t meet you for you coffee, I can’t rush around and do everything I used to. I am on 3 antiseizure medications that affect the central nervous system, so I am shaky, weak, dizzy, slow to process information, have short term memory loss, shot by 11am, ya know, just about right on target for Michelle. In other words, I am an old woman. I do take full advantage the motorized carts at costco and target. This delights me, and brings me tears of happiness. When I hit something, plus 10 points, and you may get a giggle. But I said I good news to share. Ready???
That is one huge head.
(Kaisers imparting words of wisdom-A+ Campaign marketing Dept.)Ok, so last week I was admitted for a 3, well, 4 day EEG. They watch your brain, withold caffeine, (GASP), and sleep deprive you waiting for seizure activity. I think my head head spun off my shoulders. They got what they needed, THANK YOU LORD. This was a huge answered prayer. They know how to better medicate me. To find the right med cocktail can take years, so the fact they know which meds will help the parts of my brain affected is a huge blessing. One step closer to functioning independently. I will in no way push it. I completely leave driving and such up to the doctors, they say at least 3-6 months from the time of no seizure activity. I am so thankful God has provided peace with being chauffered around. And people willing to do this! One of the 3 meds takes 6 weeks to kick in. Awesome. We are trusting God has us in this state of humility and complete dependence for His good purpose. By no means is this comfortable, but I will say when He is leading there is a peace about the path; splinters, boulders and all. Thank you praying friends.
