pain. suffering. pain. suffering. It’s like a bad dream involving a John Secada CD, stuck on repeat where no one can seem to find the ‘off’ button. Lately, I have been hearing the broad range of the big questions relating God to the life He has for us. ‘why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God watch this occur and not intervene? It is not fair. Doesn’t He love us? WHY?! These questions are not unfounded, however, they ARE admittedly uncomfortable for me to address. They really aren’t my questions to answer. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’
Isaiah 55:9
In the moment of my own pain and agony, my flesh cries, ‘SAVE ME!! HELP ME!!! Please Lord!!’ When I set some time to the side to make sense of it all, guess what? I have come to the conclusion that there is no worldly sense in any of it. Not one person can tell me with perfect diction or authority when this will end. How? God could be preparing us for something much bigger that we are about to step into. Maybe, in His kindness, He needs to give us/ you/ me the credentials to enter into a particular an area of uncertainty in this life. Perhaps this tree needs serious pruning to help us, (me), be more Christlike, walk though these circumstances in His light, regardless of how this might feel’. Perhaps He wants us to be a tool to share for others to benefit. Or even at the very least a chance for us to point to real hope of the grace of God. (more…)
Author: Michelle White
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Home… take #43
I am HOME! With all your prayers, God’s good hand, and a (partially) functioning brain later, We
made it. I have a whole lot less hair, a few more scars, and my babies and husband are within arms reach. I made it out protected and on my knees with gratitude for you all. Thank you all for praying without ceasing. Do you know how I know your many prayers went up? Every so often I am struck with {literally} unbearable pain. It might last one minute, it might last a couple hours, at anytime in between meds….and I feel it. I feel the dark deep. It hurts, and I can’t physically carry the burden, the raging pain. Jesus is quick to remind me He is here, His yoke is light. And I am able to feel and see what truly resting it all on Him is. It doesn’t remove the pain. Or remove the fear in pain, however, the peace that follows these moments of surrender are not of this world. Those prayers….they keep me upright. They keep me smiling and able to love on and cuddle my littles. They are keeping me here. Many of you who read this, I have never met. Please give your babies extra love, encourage one another by continuing to pray for each other, and don’t ever forget the gift we have been given in this set of answered prayers. (more…) -
Rocket Randomness
This week is VBS for our church. My sweet faithful friend has offered to wrangle up my people, all with her brood and cart them all to church. {without me} True love right there. This last year she has taught me so much about friendship and sisterhood, and being real and I love her. Smooches M. I have been blessed with the best of the best in the friendship department, and ya know what? I am grateful. As a lonely 7th and 8th grader who had no friends and bad hair, I still remember the painful void and insecurity middle school brought with all it’s big girl problems and did I mention? no friends. Today I stand a whole lot older, {with bad hair}, but my heart is full, and I see had God not given me the stark contrast I would not see the blessing of friendship He has graciously poured out. You people who love us, encourage us and care for us…you have given us such an incredible gift. Thank you for your friendship and care. It will be a great day when I am able to reciprocate and do the same for you. (more…)
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next chapter
Just a warning, this is a boring post. If you are here for drama, feel free to wander away. I had my 3 doctor appts this last week. And the week before. My Barbara says everything is too soon to tell what the damage is, and she took more stitches out, also the nuerologist says my brain is molasses. I didn’t really need to pay the co-pay to hear this. I KNOW. All meds are the same, he didn’t change anything, for which I am thankful. He was very kind and said if I don’t have a seizure in the next 22 days, (Imightbecountingtheminutes), I can drive! Weeeee! The concern is numb feet. So I will have to figure something out in learning how to put pressure on the pedal, or something like that. The truth is my right foot was numb after the 1st surgery, and I was ok to drive. It’s not like running. Watch out people. 17 months of no driving, and I am ready to giddy-up with my mommy wagon.
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Good grief
Christian would have been 2 years old on Thursday, 5/14. These last few weeks have been incredibly hard. Harder than last year. A year ago, my mind was altered, I had the chance to sleep all day. You know, do the things people long to do in times of depression and suffering. This time, I don’t have the bed sentence and IV narcotics to help me crawl through this season.
Grief is a different shade of black for everyone. Maybe you are a muted ashy black and you are grappling with the truth of loss, but you aren’t face down. Maybe you are a deep unmistakable black and are wishing life away.
I am in a charcoal black space right now. On good days, I can be light and fun. The dark moments, hours, and days are black. And I get angry. {if I am being honest}. Angry not at the why-because my head gets it. I can absorb the concept of God’s sovereignty…but why doesn’t my head and heart knowledge connect? Why aren’t God’s countless acts of mercy drowning out the sadness?
In the words of everyone who has lost someone meaningful in their life, death sucks. When I hear the term, ‘pass away’, I cringe. Such a peaceful way to help us quiet the reality of mortality. The loss of a loved one is emotional torture. My personal experience has been that God seems to sit quite a bit higher on His throne…His Word is much louder, my quiet times are much richer. While I continue to brace myself from the pain, I can always look forward to His goodness. His sweet mercy, which is more precious than anything this world can offer.