pain. suffering. pain. suffering. It’s like a bad dream involving a John Secada CD, stuck on repeat where no one can seem to find the ‘off’ button. Lately, I have been hearing the broad range of the big questions relating God to the life He has for us. ‘why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God watch this occur and not intervene? It is not fair. Doesn’t He love us? WHY?! These questions are not unfounded, however, they ARE admittedly uncomfortable for me to address. They really aren’t my questions to answer. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’
In the moment of my own pain and agony, my flesh cries, ‘SAVE ME!! HELP ME!!! Please Lord!!’ When I set some time to the side to make sense of it all, guess what? I have come to the conclusion that there is no worldly sense in any of it. Not one person can tell me with perfect diction or authority when this will end. How? God could be preparing us for something much bigger that we are about to step into. Maybe, in His kindness, He needs to give us/ you/ me the credentials to enter into a particular an area of uncertainty in this life. Perhaps this tree needs serious pruning to help us, (me), be more Christlike, walk though these circumstances in His light, regardless of how this might feel’. Perhaps He wants us to be a tool to share for others to benefit. Or even at the very least a chance for us to point to real hope of the grace of God.
Each time I begin to walk the path of pity, I forcefully remember the many ways He has us, carried us, has perfectly loved us. That this is TEMPORARY pain, affiction, suffering. There lies a life ahead worth fighting for.
On the Monday afternoon of earlier this week, I experienced real and true HELL on earth. I say this boldly, as there is nothing I could ever relate the depth of the pain to. They needed to perform more tests this week to ENSURE my shunt is working properly by placing a radioactive tracer in my spinal cord to follow over the next 4 days. I just so happened to have horrific reaction to this isotope, indium 111 to be exact. I was initially so excited to feel all spiderman-like for a few days. I will wave my dork flag with pride. No shame.
Back to the issue at hand. Monday, they inserted the isotope in my spinal column and immediately I began writhing in pain. I was that sweaty, screaming, woman crying as my spine was on fire. For hours upon hours. In fact they couldn’t get the pain under control and I was convinced I was dying. The inflamed meningies resulted in aseptic meningitis. (The best kind to get.) 4 days later, I am alive! Please pray for tomorrow, and the next many to come. I have a ways to go. The doctors clamped and removed the drain today which has in turn produced a spinal headache. (More pain, pain, pain) the implications of these next couple days are this: 1) my body will have had a chance to heal to fight off the rise in pressure, and heal completely, the fluid would reroute internally instead of trying to push through my incision. This would be a wonderful thing. And at this point be a miracle.
2) it could open through the staples as the result of a high pressure flow of a shunt , that is still too weak. Thus meaning another surgery. Again,we do not want that!!! NO thank you. Please petition on our behalf. There is hope God will show us the power of full reliance on Him please pray that this life time drama ordeal will come to a screeching halt.
I am hoping to come home tomorrow, but am again asking God to supply my needs. To come home, my headaches have to be under control. I need to get off the IV meds. They are saying if I can do this, tomorrow/ today will be my day. To be frank, I can’t come home like this. I need to be further healed. I WANT my babies, but cannot handle another false alarm and disappointing return trip to the KP. Please pray this test shows the shunt is working and situation WILL get better. Currently my doctor is not too positive. No cookies for him. Lastly, please THANK God for who He is. Please pray for His will is for be me healing at home. Please thank Him for taking the seizures away. THIS IS HUGE. Thank Him for allowing me to walk. I am sorry this post is so awkwardly put together. Writing on horse tranquilizers probably wasn’t the best idea. Can I play the tumor card? Too soon?…;)
Thank you for your care and prayers. Please remain steadfast and continue to pray. And if you need prayer I would love to pray for you too. That is the one way I can happily serve you in this time. ‘Taste and see that the Lord is good…’psalms 34:8 we love you sweet friends. Thank you for reading through the far too many words.