Thank you ALL for sharing this blog and for praying for me and begging for prayer on my behalf. I am beyond humbled and so full of gratitude. There is no way I can physically respond to all the loving FB messages, writing this alone has me in so much pain. We feel loved by all the many prayers. Prayer warriors: Please keep it up. It’s been a hard 3 days filled with physical pain. Much uncertainty. Praise God for modern medicine. I can’t remember what I have shared. In short, I had too much csf fluid, and it began leaking out of my staples, (Dangerous), so they placed a drain. (Didn’t work- valve failed). The drain malfunctioned, and I lost almost ALL my spinal fluid which creates what is called a low pressure headache. Highly painful. In fact, in all of my intimate knowledge of pain, this is the highest form. As of yesterday I was still lacking enough spinal fluid to sit upright and move around. Changing positions is desperately painful. I am maxed out on pain medicine, yet so thankful FOR pain medicine and kind doctors and nurses. I am currently in the ICU awaiting a CT scan as the pain has not subsided, and guess what is leaking again? Ding, ding, ding !!! My wound. Please pray for relief, an that my brain is ok. There is a lot going on and I am not getting a straight answer. I am in much pain and am begging God for deliverance. God has mercifully gotten me this far. Thank you prayer warriors.
Author: Michelle White
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I am feeling pretty embarrassed with all the updates. I am sorry for consuming your news feeds and updating so often. That being said, things are pretty serious, and the one constant comfort I have is knowing I can beg God for deliverance through prayer and true and complete dependence on Him. Knowing I have exhausted the resource of prayer, brings me the peace I need to press on. Two things: one, I was informed the type of infection I am at risk for is meningitis. The life threatening kind. To say I am disappointed in my surgeons communication skills is the understatement of the year. Second, there was a major complication with the placing of the drain-the control valve failed and I lost a very large amount of spinal fluid. Along with the additional leak comes yet another pathway for meningitis, and I spent the night in tremendous, uncontrollable pain, the worst headache and backache I have ever had. It is still not draining properly, and I have been warned, they will most likely redo the drain today. With anesthesia, which means recovery starts alllll over again. Considering the new additional risk factors and pain ahead, I am discouraged. I will not lose heart and I resolve to continue to trust in Gods sovereign nature. Thank you for praying! Thank you for your notes of encouragement. I can’t get back to everyone but I appreciate it all the same.
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New favorite chapter
I go through periods of time where I read the bible and the words speak to me and I understand the parables, and I eat it up, but there are no crazy revelations. I am not a bible scholar. Don’t get me wrong, I thirst for my bible reading time, and learning and relearning God’s Word, even if I am not a smarty pants. Lately though, the words have been jumping off the page. {The upside to walking in a valley with our Savior.} Had you asked me Friday, I would have told you my favorite chapter in the Bible is James 1. It always seems to come back to that one. It either encourages, convicts or speaks to my soul at just the right time. Today though, I am officially changing it Psalm 91. I know as I grow and mature through life and my relationship with Christ, it will change from time to time-but this chapter has spoken to my healing soul in 3 ways; I will give you the specific verses….
vs 4 He will cover you with His pinions, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness is a shield and buckler. (does the imagery get any more beautiful? Finding refuge under the glorious wings of the Almighty God of the universe?)
vs 11-12 For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. On their hands they will bear you up lest you strike your foot against a stone. (He cares enough about us to concern His angels with yours and my wellbeing. Overwhelming)
vs 14-16 “Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him, I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble I will rescue him and honor him. With a long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.”
Speechless. -
6.
Little Stink,
Happy 6th Birthday love bug. For some reason your Birthdays are the hard ones. You are the boy who made me a mommy. So naturally, you own a piece of me no other child gets. I love you to heaven and back and am so proud of you I could burst into a thousand pieces. I love your heart above all. All that we have been through in the past couple years, you have proven to be a strong, LOVING, resilient boy who competes like no other. I pray you will always fight the good fight because you love our good God. I pray that is how God will use your competitive spirit. You are determined like I have never seen in any person, well maybe I have seen once or, AHEM, twice, AHEM, {cough; grandparents}, but I am excited to see what God does with you as you get older. You are thoughtful and caring, asking about your brother and what he is doing. You always kiss his grave goodbye unprompted. Which makes me cry, and of course love you all over again. You are the best big brother to Weston and Halle. Playing with them and laughing throughout the day. You keep my eyes dry most days and my heart humble.You are a total sports boy. Anything involving a score, you are all in. Especially baseball and football. You are huge. apparantly feeding you poorly for the 1st year of your life paid off, as you are 56lbs. You are smart. All moms say this, but you really are. You definitely have Daddy’s brain. You make up word games and mix up the letters. It’s crazy. I legitimately can’t even play with you. Today, we celebrated your birthday by going to school, (yay for reality), being surprised with cupcakes from your favorite Miss Bre, seeing planes for the second time while slurping down an icee and tossing back a large pocporn. You saw and or talked to your grandparents and opened gifts and we ended the night cuddling. Just how we started your life. It was a good day.At this time 6 years ago, I was in the midst of pushing you out….crying and wondering what in the world life was going to be like….I had no clue how wonderful YOU were going to make our lives. You forever made my biggest dream come true: being your mama.I love you always. -
Spoiled.
If you ask my kids about their life, they will tell you they have the best life ever. I am so thankful they see the love God has lavished upon them despite the trials. Maybe infact, it is because of the trials, they are so fiercely loved and cared for by many people. I have one child who always asks for more ice cream, one more tv show, 10 more minutes, one more fish, etc, another child who wistfully gazes up and thanks you unprompted, and one that does not yet speak english. But they all recognize they are special, very loved, and God’s good hand is upon them. That blesses me. Which made today a much easier transition. We were graciously given some gift card money for Build-a-bear. With this newfound wealth, we decided we would go build bears in honor of Christian. But they would actually comfort us. Selfish much? I prepped for the day by rereading all the cards and the guestbook for the memorial. People’s words were so encouraging, loving and raw. Looking back through everything allowed me to swim through the grief again, and feel covered in God’s goodness all while missing my love. We were ready to enjoy the generous gift and be blessed. I have never in my life taken the kids into a toy shop with reckless abandon, and wow-it was so much fun! Such a great experience. For me too. You pick the bear, stuff the bear, do you want your bear to have a heart beat? Who says no to that. REALLY. Do you want it to smell like a cupcake? YES! Outfits? 2 hours, 3 very happy children, and 3 broken hangers later…
Stinks’ Bear, Nate
Chuggas Bear, Callie
Weeman’s Bear, Angel
My Bear, Christian. Complete with a mended heart, and a beating heart on the inside.
My heart is full.Baby Boy,Today you would be 3 months old! My heart aches for you. Nightime brings a lot of solitude and time where I get to think just about you. I used to think that was when it was the toughest, but now I am thinking I need that time to just think about you and be sad and miss you. Replay what I need to replay, so I don’t get resentful when I can’t do that during the day. Not a day or stretch of time goes by where I do not think of you. We talk about you every day. If it is not you when you were here, it is praying for God to give you a hug or comfort you, (hopefully He is doing this), we talk about what you might be doing in heaven, what it will be like when we see you, if you are waiting for us, we talk about how little you were, how delicious you smelled. How precious you are. This life is so much harder without you sweet baby. The first couple months were nearly impossible for me to see or smell a baby. Then as friends brought their babies close, God brought healing. It is now not so hard. I still look for the 3 month olds. I spy them out like a weirdo and see what they are doing. Would you be holding your head up so strong? Would you be plump and girthy? Today I plan to celebrate you. I don’t know what day or month to recognize so I will do so as the Lord puts it on my heart to share. I did realize this:The 14th is also a day of celebration, Weeman was born on April 14. Your homecoming to be with Jesus was June 9. Halle’s birthday is January 9. I know God’ s hand was even in the days appointed to your births and homecoming. I cannot mourn too hard on the days of these months as in them God has given me so many wonderful blessings. They are days where I must thank God for life He has also breathed into your brother and sister. I love you sweet child. We are 3 months closer. xoxoxo
