The last of the firsts…

I hope. This day last year was the saddest, most empty day of my life. I know Chad would concur. A couple days prior, we felt Christian had been snatched out of our hands. By this day, we felt we were able to hand him back to God with honest hearts. 
Dear Christian, 
One year has passed. I believe we have hit every “1st” by the strength of God. I absolutely am in shock a year has passed. We are broken in so many different ways…still.  Today as I grieve your loss, I have the gift to only think about you. I am in the hospital, in a quiet room, able to cry however I want, pray as loud as I want, and just think about you. I have caught myself going to a place where I play the ‘would you rather game’. Wondering if it would have been easier had I had a warning, never had you or had you for a lot longer. All scenario’s are not glorifying to God and show nothing of my faith. In fact, God rewards this foolish thinking with an all consuming frustration. My faith is in a trustworthy Creator who knows and does what is best. At times I need to admit the grief I am experiencing in losing you, sweet child, and allow myself to be comforted by the One who loves you more than I. You know our Savior in a way that I will not know for many years to come, Lord willing. 
Today I hurt and cry because I desperately miss you with my whole being. I want you back! I want to cuddle you, and change you, and hear you giggle and fuss. I want
to smell you and play with you.  The whole experience of your loss is overwhelming. It does not own me, yet; it follows me everywhere and is always ready to meet me when I decide to look back. It’s this necessary piece of our humanity. I am so thankful God has providentially chosen us to miss you, love you, and patiently wait to be with you in our Savior’s presence. Sweet baby, we have learned so much about our God that words on a page are incapable of capturing. We have been taught the most beautiful lesson in love through your life and death. A beautiful lesson that begins and ends with Jesus, His sacrifice and how our hope for a future forever is in the palm of His hand, waiting to be taken. Sweet boy. Your life has opened many many gates to sharing God’s truth, our hope and the nature of our loving God. We miss you and love you more than words, 
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1 Comment

  • Reply Rebecca Lewis June 9, 2014 at 6:47 pm

    This is so beautiful Michelle. My heart aches for you and your sweet family, especially today… {hugs}

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