Hey all, Chad here. Michelle asked me to post something to let you all know the latest. First off thank you for the thoughts, prayers, texts, and kindness. I’ll do my best to give some more background behind the surgery other than “it went well” (which it did). In classic Michelle fashion she was 30 minutes late to her own surgery. Fortunately the surgeon was an hour late to the surgery so we hook slid in before he started hunted us down. The surgery was delayed again when the OR nurse found a hair – you can’t make this up- on the OR table so they had to sanitize the OR all over again. that’s the main reason things took so long to get rolling. Around 7 pm the surgeon called to let me know everything went great. He removed all of the new tumor. It was the size of a large olive, and we all know no one likes olives. He also was able to remove about “25%” of the old tumor. All in all a good day.
With the new COVID rules it was just me there today and the nurses let me spend a few minutes with Michelle before kicking me out. She’s doing great and has her vision and control of all the important stuff like wanting to give me a kiss before I left. 😳
I had to share with you how beautiful she looks after brain surgery. I know, it’s not fair!!! I’ve thought the same thing every morning for the last 15 years….
I’ll be back at 8:30 to see her but as always would appreciate those continued prayers!!
It’s been foreverrrrr. I miss you all! I miss writing.
Wow 2020. Wow. Excited to never see you again! It’s been too long. I have lots of excuses. The main one being I can’t think straight. Talk straight. Finish thoughts. You are welcome. Writing this post felt like mental olympics and probably confirms these admissions. Hold the bar low people.
So much has happened! I keep looking in the clouds for Jesus, because if he was coming soon before, He has to be hovering. This world. It breaks my heart in a thousand ways. There have been so many blog posts I (PRAISE GOD) didn’t publish. In re-reading I have come to realize maybe I can be a little judgmental. And right. And a sometimes wrong on things. More than anything, I realized chirping about political climate, corruption, or oppression is divisive and that’s really not what this blog is for. That’s not what glorifies God.
I have always been an open book and I regret not sharing with you all the many beautiful things God has given us through this past year, trials included.
The c word has been {enter any negative or hateful descriptive} for so many people. It’s caused unbearable pain and loss for too many, undeserved blessings for some and a universal opportunity to grow in endurance. Or the desire to pound sand.
So many of you are sweetly checking in on me, showing myself and family so much love, please know I appreciate you!
Time for an update.
This last year has been good and hard. So many more blessings than trials. And even if it was not this way, God is still and always good.
Chad is amazing. Working from home this past year was a gift, (for me at least), and it was eye opening to see all that he does and accomplishes in a day-his work ethic is as consistent as his good attitude. He is my everything and I will never stop praising God for his life and heart.
Our spawn are thriving and truly my treasures. They don’t laugh to my face when I get frustrated trying to heat things up in the refrigerator or ask the same question for the 87th time. They are patient when I can’t find words. Their telepathy skills are on point.
We have been given countless provisions and have amazing family and friends that God has gifted us. I could ball my eyes out right now. I don’t know why they/ you all love on me? I smell questionable most days, I forget everything and I can never reciprocate. Another great resume builder: unreliable and again, hate the whole shower-fix my face-eyebrow hunt and pluck-blow dry- hate the style-redo said style-painting of the mug…oh wait, I forgot to shave and deep life decisions ensue. Do I go back?!
Get me?
Back to brain.
January 2020 was the last big surgery. Tumor doubled down and grew again.
July of 2020 gamma knife-radio surgery on a small part of the tumor-that did not work. (Clearly)
My MRI showed more growth back in November, and as I was not a candidate for another surgery, they decided to try and off label chemo pill. (For another cancer). The 1st 3 months were gold. No growth. The next 6…not so much. What can I say? It’s ambitious.
The tumor is aggressive and has continued to grow despite the many efforts to axe that sucker. My MRI last month shows edema-brain is swelling. Justifies the kind of headaches that make you do very unethical things to fix. No balance, more stupid.
I am super fun and pretty worthless 70% of the time.
But God.
God is who He says He is; gracious and faithful-full of mercy. Out of nowhere comes 1-3 days of easy, and for those days I am forever grateful.
Because we have exhausted all options, the surgery they said they would not do is scheduled for Tuesday, August 31st at 1:30.
It is high risk. We had a sobering difficult conversation with my doctor.
I am in denial a little lot a bit. This is the 7th surgery. Each successive surgery holds higher percentages of not great things happening.
If you ask me how I am feeling, I will tell you I am content, my heart is at peace. Fighting looking behind the curtain truthfully. What is holding Chad and I together is our trust that God has us in eternity no. matter. what. What and who does God say He is? This is where I go when I begin to walk the dark path of nonsense. I focus on what is true, and who I have entrusted my forever to.
He is the God of creation, salvation, and love.
He has held us this entire time and I know His timing and plan is perfect. He is incapable of making mistakes. While I am of course not looking forward to the recovery, the only place I desire to be is in His perfect will.
Friends, please pray for us?
Specifically that:
-God would be glorified in every step of the process. He would use this for good!
-God would guide the surgeons’ hands, give wisdom, and enable him to remove a significant amount of tumor safely. i.e. a successful surgery
-my vision would be protected
-God will gift us another blessed recovery and restore me
-God would empower Chad and our parents to take on all that comes with these recoveries.
-The impact on others lives is minimal
And lastly….I am just going to say it. Please pray God heals me again and brings me through another surgery safely?
I love you all. So thankful for each and every one of your souls.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 91:1-2
Trust. Refuge. My God.
This. This last week has most definitely been an exercise in trust. And allowing God to guard my heart from fear. The fear that comes from the unknown and the scary and the how long O’Lord? Today I praise God for the joy and peace He has graciously given myself and those caring for me as it’s become an unsteady chapter of recovery. My pajamas are my new sugar. What comes with these trials, other than wrinkles and a consistent expectancy of a new one to come, is an unspeakable faith that no matter what the outcome, He loves me. He will lead us as we lean in.
I wish this kind of love and trust for everyone-minus the burden it can put on others. For myself, this looks like a mother who has relentlessly protected and advocated for me through the entirety of this experience. Parents who love us and pray for us, drop everything to help us in any way. A husband who never leaves or complains. Makes wise decisions, is honest, and tells me when I need to shower. Friends who provide for every need and love on our family like nobody’s business. These same friends cry with me, pray for me, shower me with gifts, hugs and constant encouragement. God does not bring us to broken and leave us. When you have a real relationship with our Jesus, He brings you through the broken not to fix the situation always-but so you can experience His character. Experience His promises come to fruition. Experience how deeply He loves us and the power He exercises in provisions and how He graciously give us peace. He changes our heart, not necessarily the circumstance. That, friends, is redemption. That is the contentment in all circumstances. If we are blessed enough, He chooses us for these faith building trials, which can allow us to share the compassion and understanding we have been shown to those whose trials are to come.This past week has been weird. I am tired. I don’t feel well. It has helped me see, yet again, I really don’t have control of what is going on or what the future might look like. I have been having more seizures. Chest pressure. Monday. Tuesday maybe? Can’t remember. We took a little trip to the ER. I had 2 bad seizures and apparently went unconscious for a bit. We were alone and Brayden had to call 911 and walk through the fear of us my mom ok? Why won’t she wake up? And be apart of yet another scary moment. He was also the one who was a part of finding Christian and experiencing that trauma. The kid, for as strong willed as he is, has had his own story. His own walk of what I pray is faith building. The doctor gave me another medicine that makes me another shade of stupid. Chad’s thrilled. As I shared with my friend, my couch and I be like 🤞🏼. I went for a walk, showered and well, those are my victories today.
got the nasty staples OUT. So hot. I think I might have liked them better in.
my view as of late. Not hating it. In fact, I am soooo thankful. So thankful you all have afforded me the opportunity to sleep, rest, pork out on illegal amounts of sugar and all things ending in -ose and let my brain and body repair itself. I have aged at least 6 years. And it’s ok. These crows feet, they’ve earned their place.
I received GOOD news today, which makes me want to think about doing a happy dance. I will settle on jazz hands. Grade 1!!! Are you kidding me?!
Thank you Lord!!! Why He has shown me so much mercy, I will never know. I sure appreciate this 6th life.
Lesson #1 God is able.
lesson #2 Doctors are not infallible. I loooove doctors, however, they are not the Word of God, they are indeed human. I realized in this leg of the race, they mean well, and are entirely too smart for my brain speed, yet they didn’t create me and their words are not law. That doctor that said this was for sure a grade 2? Welp. Bzzzz. Surgery not an option? Bzzzz. No hope? Bzzzz. That said, God provided a wonderful doctor, (who I probably hugged 3 seconds too long today), with specific expertise in my kind of tumor that basically might as well be wearing Superman tights. I had no idea this man God held for me is one of the few doctors that does this type of virtual reality surgery. This allows him to see exactly where the blood vessels are, so that he wouldn’t jeopardize a major bleed. The other doctors did not have this technology or wisdom, of course they could not successfully execute this crazy surgery. Literally, he wears goggles and sees the complete inside of my brain. There is a lot of glorious space in there. I thought I would point that out so you all don’t have to whisper;)
You guys. Tears. So much love. So much gratitude over here. Thank you for being my friends, my family, my prayer warriors. Thank you for the beautiful meals, gifts and flowers. Thank you for loving my babies like they are yours. I don’t deserve any of this, but am praising and thanking my Jesus like it is my job. Yet is my JOY.
Thank you Lord for 6th chances.
“The Lord is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The Lord is good to all, and His tender mercies are all over all his works.” Psalm 145:8-9
Been a rough day. I had 2 seizures last night-ones I have never had before. Woke up and my stomach decided it didn’t feel like going with the program. Barf.
I have a ridiculous amount of pain. So much. Steroids did me good until that party was over. Friends-please pray. I don’t know what is happening or if this is what happened last time. Just know I love you all and hope you know I want to get back to you, I appreciate the crazy love. I just can’t. Big hugs. I wanted to send the below message earlier-didn’t-here she is. Big hugs
Looking back through the what feels like 1,000’s of messages of encouragement, love, faith, rejoicing, prayers, more rejoicing-more faith…oh my heart. You all will never know how and oh I mean HOW you have changed my life and my heart forever. God used each and every one of you and your heart felt prayers and love to help me through one of the biggest moments of need in my immediate families life. I feel like I have a lot of of these. Sorry about that. Your prayers were not in vain. God spared me! Yet again. Mercy in real time.
