Author: Michelle White

  • Happy shots

    Sooooo, I lost my cell phone last week. Like: lost it-lost it. There was most likely what could have been clinically diagnosed as a panic attack involved. Also entered a great friend who wouldn’t leave me in that state, and did everything in her, and her 3 little monkey’s power to find it. People: I WENT through and physically touched, and gagged my way through our trashcans, fridge, laundry…it was not a repeatable experience. What made me the most distraught, aside from the fact it was found nowhere close to my path of travel that day, was I was so bloody upset. Over A STUPID phone. One that I realize rules my life much more than I am comfortable admitting. Do we realize how dependent we are on our phones? I couldn’t decide if I was more upset about losing  my 2048 high score or having to re enter contacts. By the way, that is the best game ever. It was not until we actually prayed, did we find it. Sounds so ridiculous, right? Well, I believe with my whole heart He cares about the small things too. And shows us love and comfort when we beg. And whine. And cry. Even over stupid phones. Now that she has been recovered in all her sparkly glory, I realized how many pictures were at stake. Of course I photograph the loves in my life, and more often, the funnies.

    Since we all know I think in a perfectly logical fashion, completely organized, I will share with you random pieces of the last few months. You are welcome.

    My middle baby getting his hair did.

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    Since they discontinued the bottom left coolness, we went with this:

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    While baby girl is discovering ???? Mama failed to correctly screw the lid onto the 20 pound costco sized coconut oil.  And she exploded. As in ALL OVER the kitchen. I tried to play it off like, ‘How fun! We have super shiny floors that we can potentially crack our heads open on! Yay!” And then I slipped and almost broke my groin.  Isn’t coconut oil supposed to be hard?

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    This happened a few months ago, and I wasn’t sure if I should share…but let’s be honest, this is worthy. In our house, we have one child (un named) who is straight out of little rascals. Same one who dropped the worm down a girls shirt earlier this year. We typically handle these transgressions with apology letters and pictures to the victims. This was his finest work, and it took all of me to try and not control this thank you card situation. And, truthfully, I wanted to see if this girls parents had a sense of humor. I didn’t get called into the districts office, so let’s assume they laughed.

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    Remember how I have headaches all.the.time? Chad does. My last venogram (sp?) showed the blood clot/ flow situation. See how the vein goes down the middle and makes a 90 degree turn to the right? Yah. It’s supposed to do that on the left side too.

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    We took a wonderful vacay up north, to visit our sweet Andersen’s and spend some time with precious family/dear friends.

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    Apparently Cows approach cars in the same way they do their friends. Taking a good whiff of the tail situation.


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    Boys had the fantastic idea of fishing for trout in a manmade pond. They caught 8 of those suckers, and spent $100 to take them home and eat ’em for dinner. Only they tasted like poop. Next logical step was to set them out on the cliff for the birds. Not one seagull took the bait. (Remember these birds eat doritos bags for lunch).

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    Bestests of Friends

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    Brayden’s dream of visiting the Oakland A’s was realized, and he dropped em’ about 2 hours later. Haven’t seen green and yellow since.

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    Park time with C and E. Sweetest kids! I miss my Kayte!

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    IMG_1959Cheers!

     

     

  • Good grief

    Christian would have been 2 years old on Thursday, 5/14. These last few weeks have been incredibly hard. Harder than last year. A year ago, my mind was altered, I had the chance to sleep all day. You know, do the things people long to do in times of depression and suffering. This time, I don’t have the bed sentence and IV narcotics to help me crawl through this season.

    Grief is a different shade of black for everyone. Maybe you are a muted ashy black and you are grappling with the truth of loss, but you aren’t face down. Maybe you are a deep unmistakable black and are wishing life away.

    I am in a charcoal black space right now. On good days, I can be light and fun. The dark moments, hours, and days are black. And I get angry. {if I am being honest}. Angry not at the why-because my head gets it. I can absorb the concept of God’s sovereignty…but why doesn’t my head and heart knowledge connect? Why aren’t God’s countless acts of mercy drowning out the sadness?

    In the words of everyone who has lost someone meaningful in their life, death sucks. When I hear the term, ‘pass away’, I cringe. Such a peaceful way to help us quiet the reality of mortality. The loss of a loved one is emotional torture. My personal experience has been that God seems to sit quite a bit higher on His throne…His Word is much louder, my quiet times are much richer. While  I continue to brace myself from the pain, I can always look forward to His goodness. His sweet mercy, which is more precious than anything this world can offer.

  • Guest Post 6/21/14

    Guest Post
    I arrived in the ICU this morning to find Michelle, much in the same condition she has been in since Wednesday evening. A little background, before I get to the main reason for this post. She had a temporary (5-6 day) lumbar drain put into her spine, and a running stitch into her original incision. The drain (10 cc/ml) every hour, helps remove the pocket of fluid that sits on top of her head. The stitch will hopefully tie her incision tight, and combined with the relieved pressure allow her wound time to heal/seal together, so she doesn’t leak anymore CSF.  They plan to turn the drain off on Monday.  Let her rest for 24-48 hours, retest the shunt, and see if there is any leaking. While I am optimistic there wouldn’t be leaking on Tuesday, it’s the days after that (usually at home and following a nights’ sleep) that are the true test.
    I digress, she is not feeling well at all.  The draining causes her extreme headaches, and this time it is coupled with nausea. She is pretty much sedated for most of the day without much wherewithal to who is around. (more…)

  • Untitled

    pain. suffering. pain. suffering. It’s like a bad dream involving a John Secada CD, stuck on repeat where no one can seem to find the ‘off’ button. Lately, I have been hearing the broad range of the big questions relating God to the life He has for us. ‘why do bad things happen to good people? Why does God watch this occur and not intervene? It is not fair. Doesn’t He love us? WHY?! These questions are not unfounded, however, they ARE admittedly uncomfortable for me to address. They really aren’t my questions to answer. ‘For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’
    Isaiah 55:9
    In the moment of my own pain and agony, my flesh cries, ‘SAVE ME!! HELP ME!!! Please Lord!!’ When I set some time to the side to make sense of it all, guess what? I have come to the conclusion that there is no worldly sense in any of it. Not one person can tell me with perfect diction or authority when this will end. How? God could be preparing us for something much bigger that we are about to step into. Maybe, in His kindness, He needs to give us/ you/ me the credentials to enter into a particular an area of uncertainty in this life. Perhaps this tree needs serious pruning to help us, (me), be more Christlike, walk though these circumstances in His light, regardless of how this might feel’. Perhaps He wants us to be a tool to share for others to benefit. Or even at the very least a chance for us to point to real hope of the grace of God. (more…)

  • Home… take #43

    I am HOME! With all your prayers, God’s good hand, and a (partially) functioning brain later, We
    made it. I have a whole lot less hair, a few more scars, and my babies and husband are within arms reach. I made it out protected and on my knees with gratitude for you all. Thank you all for praying without ceasing. Do you know how I know your many prayers went up?  Every so often I am struck with {literally} unbearable pain. It might last one minute, it might last a couple hours, at anytime in between meds….and I feel it. I feel the dark deep. It hurts, and I can’t physically carry the burden, the raging pain. Jesus is quick to remind me He is here, His yoke is light. And I am able to feel and see what truly resting it all on Him is. It doesn’t remove the pain. Or remove the fear in pain, however, the peace that follows these moments of surrender are not of this world. Those prayers….they keep me upright. They keep me smiling and able to love on and cuddle my littles. They are keeping me here. Many of you who read this, I have never met. Please give your babies extra love, encourage one another by continuing to pray for each other, and don’t ever forget the gift we have been given in this set of answered prayers. (more…)