Prayer please?

Dear Sweet Friends,

Oh how I have missed you all. I have missed your prayers and encouragement. All the love. The connection of Christ’s body, my friends, family. This blog became a platform for me to share updates on myself and our family as we waded through incredibly challenging seasons. Much to my surprise, through all the pain, the Holy Spirit gave me a gift to share even though I am fairly certain I was a couple points above a vegetable. True story.

I haven’t written in so long. Like-dusty cobwebs ewh long. Keep your expectations low people. I make no promises. I am 94% sure this is not going to come out in an adult-like readable fashion.

What has kept me away: Too many excuses. The inability to think straight, hold a thought, recall super special words. People. Hello Bray-er-Chad. Everytime. Cute kids. Most of the time. Cleaning. Feeding. Headaches. The laundry circus. More laundry. Keeping said kids alive. Remembering to pick them up and deliver them according to individual schedules. Sports! Oh and did I mention laundry? It’s a lot people. These past 4 years have been crazy beautiful. Insert one of the most painful seasons we have had as a family. More fun and sweet memories than I deserve. Full of love and growing pains and lots of visits to my lovely hair magician/ person/ stylist. OH MY GRAY HAIRS. What the beans?!! Eyebrows? Really.

I am not one to ask for help. You people seem to keep offering it to me because you are amazingly loving. And I am a hot mess and I believe you are my friends. Clearly VERY forgiving, selfless, kind friends. As hard as this is to type, I am humbly asking for prayer. Not because I am above it, More like I have leaned on all your petitions so many many many times.
God has given us a wonderful, bigger than life, 4 (YES 4!) year reprieve of dealing with this tumor growth. Many praises and endless thanks!

Pics of new situation. keep in mind these are slices of my brain. As for the dark space…Explains SO MUCH. Judge away.

See hot pants? On top of double kleenex? Am I happy laughing or sad laughing right now. I dunno. Anyway, pic of the 3.

Unfortunately, my old tumor is now 3 tumors. The old one, a new more aggressive one and oh-don’t forget the baby. It was originally a grade 1. Now the surgeon is saying aggressive grade 2. The other surgeon said it’s on it’s way to the next step. By definition, these tumors are stupid and slow growing. Mostly benign. Mine, not so much. The problem is one is invasive. Wrapped around my venus/ sinus. Which currently holds a blood clot/ blockage. Prime real estate. Surgery would require removal of the mesh they used to replace my skull and dealing with the blood clot, oh and remember that one time my wound wouldn’t heal and I was in the hospital for 40 days? Not in a rush to get in that line.
2 Items to note: My tumor does not respond to chemo. I am maxed out on radiation.

After talking to 4 incredible, KIND, doctors. It appears I have 2 options.
1) Laser surgery. They burn the tumor from the inside out. Only it won’t get everything. As one Dr. says, only the strongest survive. They apparently come back faster and more aggressive the more we mess with them. The problem is the most aggressive tumor is moving toward the vision area of my brain. Oh and they haven’t used this laser situation on my kind of tumor. Risks: brain swelling, hello headaches! And of course a brain bleed.
2) immunotherapy trial. This has worked amazingly well for many cancers/ tumors, however, again, it has not been used this for my kind of tumor…yet. Oh and they would need to accept me. Minor detail. Risks are developing an inflammatory illness ending in -itus. You name it. Brain swelling.

Friends, I am asking for prayer for these things, and more if you think of them:

-that God would lead us to where He wants us, treatment, Dr., etc and open the doors.
-that He would be glorified through this whole endeavor.
-that this surgery/ therapy would actually work and give me an eleventh life so I can continue to be the mother and wife He designed me to be.
-that He would open doors to share.

-Please pray for Chad. That God would give him endurance, strength and support. He works tirelessly to meet everyone’s needs. I love him.
-that we will all make it through this version of hard. Add our parents to that as well. They give us SO MUCH love, time and support.
-mostly that my children’s relationship with Christ would grow! Be solidified. They would see Jesus not just as the Savior, but THEIR Savior.

You guys: No pity. No sad face. No sulking. More faith! Let’s look to see His hand in it all. What He will do with this mess. As I write this- I am crying at Gods goodness to us. I feel guilty at looking at this next chapter with doubt. I feel foolish actually and I repent of that. God is SO. MUCH. BIGGER than my fear. My sadness. That hellish recovery gave me so more than it took. It showed me more of why I am here: to share His love and truth. The gift of salvation by Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Giving us life beyond the pain, the failing bodies, the suffering. We are here to look to an eternity so much more amazing.