Happy belated New Year?! Is it too late? I missed the thanksgiving…Christmas…and New Year boat. Welcome back to planet earth Michelle! Mid January is an impeccable time to re-acclimate to reality. A Christmas highlight was seeing all of your beautiful Christmas cards. It helped tame the mailman’s envy of the UPS hero and brought us much joy. In shame, I missed the window of opportunity to send out Christmas cards. Let’s be honest; we never put forth the effort or thought into taking that staged, fancy family portrait. I firmly believe my kids toes/ feet are too crusty or beat to make that cute-we didn’t get a good family photo so here are our precious children’s feet picture. You are welcome.
These last 4-5 months have felt schizophrenic. Many times I have thought about blogging, and then I would try and think about what I would write, then…you guessed it. A little person stubs their toe/shatters my ear drum/ gets their hair caught in the disneyland spray fan/ an unnamed child begins the bloodcurdling scream over sharing a broken toy that no one EVER plays with. You know, standard operating procedure inside a young family who has no idea what they are doing.
Joy and sadness have been the threads woven into our blanket of life in this past season. We enjoyed many laughs with friends and family, sometimes over God’s sense of humor in the path of our day, some tears of joy, some tears of sadness, intentional times of expressing gratitude, suffering with headaches, saying goodbye to 3 seperate close, close friends we hold so dear. This is in addition to the 8 or 10 other families we have said goodbye to in the last 4 years. These aren’t just people we knew, these are some our closest friends, people we love and cherish and miss like crazy. The distance hurts. There is such grief in saying goodbye, knowing the next time we will enjoy their physical weekly presence where we get to share lives together will not be here in this life. It is so hard. This again raises my focus upward, looking forward to seeing you all again in a place we can only compare to our imagination of paradise in the presence of our King. Emotional heartbreak inside our family has been a color of suffering I would gladly trade in for another 10 brain surgeries. I had forgotten how debilitating emotional pain can be. We have also been beyond happy pants to watch my oldest play his 2 passions, and do it so well! He grew exponentially this last season with a very special baseball AND soccer team. We are beyond thankful for the coaches we were blessed to have who knew what they were doing and invested so faithfully in a group of 8 year olds. I don’t know many kids who get to be on 2 amazing teams, both placing 1st in the same season. I hope he bottles that up. I know I have. My little guy has also shown such incredible drive and growth in his new love, soccer. Little nugget. My youngest love muffin has officially adopted my love for horses…10 fold. OBSESSED. Chad is super excited it is such a cheap hobby/ sport.
Amidst it all, I have failed and allowed circumstances to dictate my emotions. These tend to drive me to a place I desperately want out of. Those hard days can’t end soon enough. Maybe that is in part why I haven’t blogged or been a recluse. If it’s a good day, let’s rejoice and take on every theme/ trampoline park and eat dessert all day! Yay! The happy days, I have wanted to savor. If they lasted long enough and the end of thoughtful parenting commenced, I would pork out on ice cream, watch a show or 3 and would either pass out or pretend to accomplish something by beginning doing the 400 things my brain decided to remind me of at 10pm. I believe they clinically diagnose this behavior, disorder or thought process as anxiety. It’s not that I am above another diagnosis. However, if we are really honest, isn’t that what most of us are doing? Especially when you are responsible for 3 precious lives, adhering to, (or failing to adhere to),
critically important schedules, restocking, feeding, cleaning 6 hours a day, all on a small percentage of brain power and reliable memory….and yawwwwn. The list goes on. All of it so small at the feet of the Almighty.
The concerning area of night time crack brain is the ‘what if’ train. My train consists of what else/ who else is going to be taken? How can I control/ prevent these things? It is certainly not a reflection of the trust we ought to have. Especially in my life. Admitting this battle feels like such betrayal to my God who has faithfully carried me in every way, establishing my full trust in all things. This night time runaround is the foundation of the accusation of distrust; which has given the accuser a foothold on successfully disrupting my pursuit of Christ. Distracting me by questioning my faith in the truth that His love for me is unconditional. In surveying the corners of my heart and everything inbetween, I can honestly affirm my allegiance and absolute trust in our Lord and all He has for me. This, of course, is why there is constant raging battle with the army of ‘what if’s?’ that attack most nights. It is what feels like an incessant fight to redirect every thought to prayer, remembering scripture, begging God to give me peace. It pursues me until His love quiets my mind. This faithfully happens at some point. I am sharing all this to hopefully encourage you all to fight the anxiousness of tomorrow. You are not alone. Our pastor’s most recent sermon was on this very issue and fear. I have to admit I left that sermon feeling pretty good about worry and all that. I boxed it into finances, health, etc. Then I simmered on the truths of this verse….and here we are. If you have the time, listen. Sooo GOOD. Look at January 17.
22 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, nor about your body, what you will put on. 23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing. 24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the birds! 25 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[c] 26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? 27 Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,[d]yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 28 But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! 29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. 30 For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that you need them. 31 Instead, seek his[e]kingdom, and these things will be added to you.
32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.33 Sell your possessions, and give to the needy. Provide yourselves with moneybags that do not grow old, with a treasure in the heavens that does not fail, where no thief approaches and no moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
In conclusion, I have realized/ remembered 3 things:
- the power in God’s word is real, living, sharp and active.
- prayer will get you through. It might not get you fixed, end everything, etc., however, you be upheld.
- ingesting legal doses of melatonin are an extra pair of nunchucks in the ninja suit.
Happy New Year sweet friends.
Beautifully written, as usual, and felt lovingly encouraged, just by you sharing your heart. I’m so thankful for your love for God and His word and His people. re: “It is what feels like an incessant fight to redirect every thought to prayer, remembering scripture, begging God to give me peace. It pursues me until His love quiets my mind.” Isn’t that so true about “How His Love quiets my mind”.
Reminds me of that scripture:
Psalm 107:28-30 Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress.
He made the storm be still, and the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad that the waters were quiet, and he brought them to their desired haven. (He is such a safe haven)
God bless you Michelle,
Michelle, Thank you for what you said in this, it helps me a lot. I find myself praying as I struggle to fall asleep. I don’t know why? But I know what you are saying God is there for us at the moment, we need him most. I have learned to trust him also to that point which isn’t easy, but we can trust him can’t we! Pastor Mike’s teaching was also very helpful to me. When anxiety is caused by physical health , and not as PM called it ridiculous imaginations and not trusting, what good is that. When anxiety is stemmed from biological circumstance it is nice to know he is also always there with us, as we cling to him! He is faithful and just. Beth
Beautifully written michelle. Everytime you do have the moment to share your life, God has given you the grace and beauty to express it so well. So thankful to be encouraged by you. Hugs to you friend!
Michelle you always blow me away with your writing talents that God has so abundantly gifted you with, and you also blow me and God away at how much Glory you bring to Him in and through your transparency and heart felt sharing. You are an amazing Godly woman, and next time satan bugs you about not being that Godly woman, just shout loudly “Thank You God that You are Greater”!!!! We have an amazing Father who so know’s what is Best and He promises to work it all out for the good!!!