Christian would have been 2 years old on Thursday, 5/14. These last few weeks have been incredibly hard. Harder than last year. A year ago, my mind was altered, I had the chance to sleep all day. You know, do the things people long to do in times of depression and suffering. This time, I don’t have the bed sentence and IV narcotics to help me crawl through this season.
Grief is a different shade of black for everyone. Maybe you are a muted ashy black and you are grappling with the truth of loss, but you aren’t face down. Maybe you are a deep unmistakable black and are wishing life away.
I am in a charcoal black space right now. On good days, I can be light and fun. The dark moments, hours, and days are black. And I get angry. {if I am being honest}. Angry not at the why-because my head gets it. I can absorb the concept of God’s sovereignty…but why doesn’t my head and heart knowledge connect? Why aren’t God’s countless acts of mercy drowning out the sadness?
In the words of everyone who has lost someone meaningful in their life, death sucks. When I hear the term, ‘pass away’, I cringe. Such a peaceful way to help us quiet the reality of mortality. The loss of a loved one is emotional torture. My personal experience has been that God seems to sit quite a bit higher on His throne…His Word is much louder, my quiet times are much richer. While I continue to brace myself from the pain, I can always look forward to His goodness. His sweet mercy, which is more precious than anything this world can offer.
3 Comments
Thank you for sharing your heart and your soul with such transparency, you inspire me and have led me to pray more fervently for your crushed heart. I am so sorry you have had to endure all of this suffering, but I am so happy at all the Glory you bring to God in and through it. You are a great example of walking through deep waters, and using that walk to help others walking and treading the same waters. Please remember “Joy does come in the morning” Psalm 30:5 If there is one verse I have seen used in my life over and over it is this one. No matter how many tears I have shed, God is so Good and Gracious to send Joy in the morning.
Sweet friend, just reading this post after seeing you so radiant this morning, makes my heart ache for you. Of course you are coping and living but in my humanness, I forgot how real your grief still is. I am sorry that I was so disconnected that I asked the “lame” question I know NOT to ask “how are you?”. Forgive me my friend. I will be fervently lifting you, Chad, and your family up before the Lord especially this week. May His continual comfort and love rescue you from your charcoal state of black and give you peace. Prayers and love to you
Sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your heart. It’s not easy to connect the head knowledge to live it out through our hearts. But it’s sure comforting to know that our Lord is a living God, giving us all that we need to sustain. Hugs to you.