3 weeks ago, grief was unchartered water to me. My toes had never touched her volatile, always changing currents. Now, my body is fully immersed in her angry territory. Most of the time she bears down on my chest just enough to convince me I am drowning. Sometimes she lets up enough to let me see the the light. The smell of a baby, the finding of a binkie, hearing my baby girl shriek baybee!, baybee! brings another tsunami I do not feel I can withstand. She will not own me forever. I know God will not leave me in her unpredictable hands for eternity. I am His. His purpose for my life is not to worship the loss of my child. But I will grieve and mourn unapologetically. I will cry at random. I will be sad when I should be happy and be happy at times where perhaps you think I should be sad. This will be an ongoing battle, (some call it a dance), between an angry ocean we call grief and a girl whose hope is in her Savior.
Many of you are so sweetly reaching out asking how you can help? What can you do? Please pray. Pray that Chad and I would continue to grow close to one another, that our family would stand united. Please pray that our souls would find rest in our God’s perfect Holy nature. Please pray that our lives would be glorifying to Him. That we would be vessels for His good use.
Also practically, please talk about our baby, Christian. Don’t pretend he was never here. We have 4 babies. One is with Jesus. We miss him terribly and right now our biggest fear is everyone will one day forget he was here, and this was all for nothing. What a miracle he was. From conception to his birth. We had a healthy baby for 26 days! This was a miracle not to be overlooked. I beg you to help us make Christian’s life count. Make it matter for God’s kingdom. I would love to talk about him to anyone at anytime. Please encourage me with anything you remember about him or any way His life has impacted yours or anyone you know. Sweet friends, I beg you, please do not let his story end here. Thank you for your prayers, love and sweet reminders of God’s love for us.
Lastly, I am not posting all these posts to FB. If you want to follow the blog, you can do so, anonymously by going to the upper right hand corner and “subscribing”. I think they email you when I update or something like that. If it gets too depressing you can always unsubscribe too.