It hit me. May is not my favorite month. In fact, this month gives me the burn/ itch. May holds too many expectations, failed, yet to be fulfilled, and impossible to appropriately meet. 2 of my best friends birthday’s fall in this month. 2 great days to praise God for the gift of their life and the many ways they have made life so much more joyful! Yet they both live far away. Next, we have Mother’s day. We unargueably have the best mothers on the planet. They deserve their own day. But for some reason each year, it always gets sliced weird. They get the mangled crust with a cute homemade gift. Not long enough cards. They deserve the world, and then a week at the spa for all they give to us, all the countless ways they generously love us. Usually the day after or 2, is our Anniversary. May 13. Poor wedding planning on our part. We then have our baby Christian’s Birthday. May 14. A day that brought so much hope last year. Our baby would be one. It would be a bold lie to say anything other than I would give anything to ambien my way through the pain, and sadness this month holds. Celebrating seems so off color. Pressing on in my own strength would be a joke, so God has graciously gifted our family with mothers, fathers, family, friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, pastors, nurses, doctors, teachers to spur us/ me on. To encourage us, and to show us He is here. He is meeting each need before we even have the chance to panic or plan for a solution. He is hearing my heart be poured out before Him and showing me moment by moment how He is going to carry me/ us through. In the times where the suffering is insurmountable-He swiftly gives me the mercy needed to keep breathing. I notice He does this after I see the need. Most of the time, He just gives me what is so unnatural-peace. People I would have never otherwise known, but through His perfect hand, have come alongside me to specifically encourage and fill my heart with His promises and know exactly what scripture to point me to. Hugs, cards, flowers, meals, prayers. People I would have never had the pleasure of knowing had I not endured previous painful trials. And that is so the nature of our big and unsearchable God. Using brokeness, to heal deeper brokeness, to bring us to an ever full and perfect redemption. God will not let me sit here and declare self pity, up in arms at what seems like injustice. This mother’s day my heart is aligned with His and I declare my allegiance to Christ and His work with the life He has breathed into me. He is changing my heart, sustaining me, and giving me far more than I could have ever known to pray for. He is showing me His glory through this recovery and what-feels-like-a-marathon-life-trial. Today I see my God bigger than ever, and worthy of being trusted. I pray that when you look back and take stock of your life and blessings today, you too will see exactly what God has entrusted you with, and the many mercies He has graciously bestowed upon you.
Category: Christian
-
So…
I will state the obvious-it has been awhile. Fair warning: this post will not be a Happy!!!! post. Or one where I am so in love with everything!!!! and everyone!!! And my life is better than yours!!!! Yay!!!! January-today has been a totally different world than the business and hopeful fight through 2013.
I wish I could say I have been laboring hard on some interesting and fancy new project, but I think we all know me better. I have some chipped, half painted nails, an unmade bed and a heaping pile of body coverings in desperate need of folding. Or lets be honest, re-washing for the 10th time. PB and jellies are a a mental obstacle. It is a dry, sad season, and I fear it is beginning to feel comfortable. Christian is gone. Whatever memory I am clinging to is becoming blurry. I still think of him every night and involuntarily mentally re-enact that horrific morning. I see life ahead of the inital stages of grief-it is just forever a different shade than I ever imagined. Yes, God has done great things, yet there is nothing in this life that will redeem the loss. The loss of a huge chunk of my heart. The loss of his warm life in my arms. The loss of ever looking at a baby with the same smile. The loss of the brother for my 3 sweet children who still ask about him all. the. time. Christian is loved and missed in a terrible way.
The patriarch of my side of the family went and made his debut in heaven on March 1. I say “heaven” boldly. He repented of his sin and placed His trust in Christ’s work on the cross a lifetime ago. I had the opportunity to intently listen to so many people share of the impact and pursuit of holiness that took place because of his life and willingness to give it to God to spur them on, encourage them, lead them. He truly lived his life in a manner worthy of the calling. Hearing how God chose him and used him so mightily was overwhelming. And convicting. And made me so thankful and proud to be his grand daughter.
As for the journey my health is on, I am not sure if it is more emotionally or physically draining. I am learning: vitamins and prayer don’t fix everything. Some things in life are meant to stay broken. My heart is beating-I get to live life as my husbands’ wife, children’s mama, parents (peter pan-never growing up) child and for that, I can’t complain, right? No, still can’t drive. (so thankful you all cart me around so graciously!) No, still can’t get my meds right, and truthfully, I feel like a burden. My latest MRI shows the companion in my brain has taken up a little further residency, not significant enough for an immediate surgery or dramatic knee jerk plan of action. I have no idea if another surgery is on the table, or if I get to watch the new symptoms become permanent. I get to simmer on the possibilities for a few weeks.
There has been heaps of bad news. Broken lives. Broken bodies. Sadness. Loss. The truth is there is comfort in similar company and there is a dark heaviness too. My heart, while broken, is regenerate. And for that, I hold onto hope that God’s purpose for my life is greater than rambling on about worthless feelings. I pray by you reading this, you see because I/ you/ us/ other sad people struggle with fallen reality, am not inferior to positive thinking, make it happen for yourself, smile anyway people plastered all over social media. It is a lie. Some things you can’t fake your way through. I choose to limp with a clear conscience. That said, I am ready for some redemption. Ready for some good news, happy times and breakthroughs. More than my wishlist, I humbly raise my hands and wait patiently on my Savior to give me what He so faithfully promises; sweet mercy. -
6 months
Sweet Christian,
Tomorrow, it has been 6 months. The time is crawling by, and I miss you terribly. These last few weeks have been sad for me. We set up the Christmas tree and I lost it. My heart screams “you should be HERE! Ripping the ornaments off the tree, tearing open wrapped presents, making this Christmas the merriest…” My mind knows God knows better. Your brothers ask about you and continue to talk about you. In fact, they say they are thankful for you. And they want to get you a Christmas gift. Halle is obsessed with babies, specifically little ones that are sleeping. Sometimes I wonder if she is looking for you. I want to tell her you are no longer a baby. At least not ours. But still, I think about what you might look like, what you would be doing. You would most likely be crawling, making funny faces and loving your new found food. What you are enjoying right now is far better than jarred carrots, and a life here.
Mine and your daddy’s prayer, before you were born, was that your life would make an impact for God’s kingdom. We assumed you were this miracle baby that we would have a lifetime to watch grow up and hopefully make a difference on this side of life. We never thought for one minute it would actually be your death, that would take hold of the microphone so to speak. You have not been taken from us in vain. You see Friday, God gave me an abundance of love and strength to do what I never thought was humanly possible. Share my testimony of Salvation, life after loss, and what and where our true hope is, with other mommy’s in a big group. By His grace, I was able to stand up and share how good our Abba is. Amidst all the trials, pain…it was losing you that is the most devestating. God has been faithful to show us some good that has come from you crossing the threshold into eternity, before us.
My love, you have forever changed my life. For the better. Through grieving the loss your life, and seeing the fruit that is coming from you going to be with God, your daddy and I have an unspeakable peace. It is not the peace that comes before entering a trial. It is the kind where we are continually riding the waves of grief, but we are in a boat now, protected from the despair and fear grief brings. The waters are no longer murky and deep, we can see a little further down and forward. We can taste the calm. These past few days I have taken mental inventory of the countless good God has graciously given us. We are so thankful for so many reasons, but today sweet child, I am thankful for the way God has eternally blessed me by your life and homecoming. I miss you always, and love you more than will ever know.
Mama
-
It happened. I knew the day was coming. My oldest makes random announcements of Christian’s passing to people we meet or know and while it is uncomfortable for them, I breathe a sigh of relief. Because, I know that is a burden relieved off his big mending heart. He doesn’t break down and cry, he doesn’t say it isn’t fair, he just wants people to know he lost his brother, a baby whom he loved. “My baby brother died”, is actually what he says. And today, he announced it to his entire class of 34 kids when he had the floor. God has shown this mama great mercy in giving me boys who show love and compassion but do not express emotion in a way I am not capable of handling.
In Brayden sharing, his teacher took the opportunity to talk about his loss and a couple other children shared they too have lost a sibling. Older, in birth, in their mommy’s tummy, etc. A sad day for her, I am sure. I praise God for the fact He has allowed B and W to see and feel the value of life and the need for redemption. Christian’s passing has created an organic longing in all our hearts to be reunited with our Savior, whose work on the cross will make all things right. And of course to be reunited with our sweet Christian again. That day shall be a day of rejoicing!“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor shall there be crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.“
Revelation 21:4 -
Sweet Mercy
One month has passed since our baby has left our arms to be in the care of our Father’s. Preparing myself for this day, I thought I would need buckets for the tears, a few ambien if things got real bad. And then today came. No tears. Not one. Our good Lord is ever faithful. Oh, is He faithful. And abundant in the many ways He shows us He loves us. His Word is alive. His people are His arms and feet. We feel His love through you all. The sadness can be paralyzing, but the hope of the other side of the cross is overwhelming. God had the details of this day all worked out before we existed, dare I say that? I had made up this day to be intolerable, dramatic, and full of sobbing. Instead I was given unexpected emails, texts, cupcakes, flowers and a very generous gift involving pretty hair by a very sweet friend. These gifts were given in love, not intentionally knowing it was to be a hard day for us which made it all the more special. It showed us God’s handprint in this healing process and His sweet mercy. Thank you to everyone who reached out and loved on us, or just said hello today, you will never know the gravity of that act.
Sweet baby,You are one month old in eternity. But who is counting? Me. Your mama. I am counting the days until I get to see your sweet soul again. I miss your sweet smile, how you use to scrunch up after I would unswaddle you. I miss your diapers. They were so tiny. I miss them. I miss you, my love. The time is moving by and it hurts….but it is good, it has to move forward, that is how God has designed us-to live under the constraints of time. I will forever seek out babies/toddlers/ children that are around your age to see what you would be doing, what you might look like. I will never fail to think of you or who you might of been. I think it is the mama in me. I miss you terribly, and while I wish you were here, I am content you are secure with our Savior. Thinking of you every day.Love Always,Mama
