It’s been foreverrrrr. I miss you all! I miss writing.
Wow 2020. Wow. Excited to never see you again! It’s been too long. I have lots of excuses. The main one being I can’t think straight. Talk straight. Finish thoughts. You are welcome. Writing this post felt like mental olympics and probably confirms these admissions. Hold the bar low people.
So much has happened! I keep looking in the clouds for Jesus, because if he was coming soon before, He has to be hovering. This world. It breaks my heart in a thousand ways. There have been so many blog posts I (PRAISE GOD) didn’t publish. In re-reading I have come to realize maybe I can be a little judgmental. And right. And a sometimes wrong on things. More than anything, I realized chirping about political climate, corruption, or oppression is divisive and that’s really not what this blog is for. That’s not what glorifies God.
I have always been an open book and I regret not sharing with you all the many beautiful things God has given us through this past year, trials included.
The c word has been {enter any negative or hateful descriptive} for so many people. It’s caused unbearable pain and loss for too many, undeserved blessings for some and a universal opportunity to grow in endurance. Or the desire to pound sand.
So many of you are sweetly checking in on me, showing myself and family so much love, please know I appreciate you!
Time for an update.
This last year has been good and hard. So many more blessings than trials. And even if it was not this way, God is still and always good.
Chad is amazing. Working from home this past year was a gift, (for me at least), and it was eye opening to see all that he does and accomplishes in a day-his work ethic is as consistent as his good attitude. He is my everything and I will never stop praising God for his life and heart.
Our spawn are thriving and truly my treasures. They don’t laugh to my face when I get frustrated trying to heat things up in the refrigerator or ask the same question for the 87th time. They are patient when I can’t find words. Their telepathy skills are on point.
We have been given countless provisions and have amazing family and friends that God has gifted us. I could ball my eyes out right now. I don’t know why they/ you all love on me? I smell questionable most days, I forget everything and I can never reciprocate. Another great resume builder: unreliable and again, hate the whole shower-fix my face-eyebrow hunt and pluck-blow dry- hate the style-redo said style-painting of the mug…oh wait, I forgot to shave and deep life decisions ensue. Do I go back?!
Get me?
Back to brain.
January 2020 was the last big surgery. Tumor doubled down and grew again.
July of 2020 gamma knife-radio surgery on a small part of the tumor-that did not work. (Clearly)
My MRI showed more growth back in November, and as I was not a candidate for another surgery, they decided to try and off label chemo pill. (For another cancer). The 1st 3 months were gold. No growth. The next 6…not so much. What can I say? It’s ambitious.
The tumor is aggressive and has continued to grow despite the many efforts to axe that sucker. My MRI last month shows edema-brain is swelling. Justifies the kind of headaches that make you do very unethical things to fix. No balance, more stupid.
I am super fun and pretty worthless 70% of the time.
But God.
God is who He says He is; gracious and faithful-full of mercy. Out of nowhere comes 1-3 days of easy, and for those days I am forever grateful.
Because we have exhausted all options, the surgery they said they would not do is scheduled for Tuesday, August 31st at 1:30.
It is high risk. We had a sobering difficult conversation with my doctor.
I am in denial a little lot a bit. This is the 7th surgery. Each successive surgery holds higher percentages of not great things happening.
If you ask me how I am feeling, I will tell you I am content, my heart is at peace. Fighting looking behind the curtain truthfully. What is holding Chad and I together is our trust that God has us in eternity no. matter. what. What and who does God say He is? This is where I go when I begin to walk the dark path of nonsense. I focus on what is true, and who I have entrusted my forever to.
He is the God of creation, salvation, and love.
He has held us this entire time and I know His timing and plan is perfect. He is incapable of making mistakes. While I am of course not looking forward to the recovery, the only place I desire to be is in His perfect will.
Friends, please pray for us?
Specifically that:
-God would be glorified in every step of the process. He would use this for good!
-God would guide the surgeons’ hands, give wisdom, and enable him to remove a significant amount of tumor safely. i.e. a successful surgery
-my vision would be protected
-God will gift us another blessed recovery and restore me
-God would empower Chad and our parents to take on all that comes with these recoveries.
-The impact on others lives is minimal
And lastly….I am just going to say it. Please pray God heals me again and brings me through another surgery safely?
I love you all. So thankful for each and every one of your souls.
I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
John 16:33
In His Love,
Michelle
oh and here is a visual of this beast.
Technology is rad.
